Our Future Hope

Time to get back to basics, i need to refocus on the fundamentals and return to my first love. It is frustrating that in times of joy and times of pain that idolatry develops so naturally as a byproduct of the many beautiful gifts from the Father. Idolatry in any form will inherently lead to a lack of intimacy and emptiness which whether we recognize it or not, manifests itself through pain. This pain is redemptive and loving as it calls us to our brokenness and the fallen nature of our world that cannot be overcome by anything but Christ. I have read a lot about pain and suffering in the past few years, struggling with my health. Pain is something that is sexy and eloquent to write about, but to actually work through it, in reality is messy, exhausting and emptying. However, there is beauty in suffering for the Christian because it is a tangible reminder that the world is not the way it should be, an alarm clock to grieve that we are fallen and things are not the way they ought to be. Tulian was preaching through Job and said something to the effect of, "Pain involves a distant memory of what once was before sin, death and disease entered the world and a cry for the future glory of what one day will be a universal reality." That is the hope we must cling to or our lives, my life means nothing and is pointless. The two most painful encounters in history was the physical and spiritual anguish Christ endured on the cross for our sins and the pain of the Father to give up His son for that purpose. We are called to trust in God not in his explanations, and I love how this passage in Colossians points back to Christ and puts things in perspective.

1 Colossians

¹⁵He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. ¹⁶For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. ¹⁷He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. ¹⁸And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. ¹⁹For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him,²⁰and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

²¹Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. ²²But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— ²³if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant.

My Home

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."
— C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)

T.I.A. (This is Africa)

I feel like whining un poquito lol, shocking I never do that. But no seriously, I feel entitled to whine grrrrr. I woke up w/ a bunch of mosquito bites, they were biting me last night outside and then there was one mosquito in my room and I couldn’t kill him and I woke up and have like 50 bites, including like 15-20 on my face lol. I get a free “breakfast” with my room, so I woke up and grumbled my way down the stairs to the coffee shop for breakfast. Well, it’s this sketchy beans in like watered down ketchup, two sketch hotdogs, a stale piece of bread and cornflakes with hot milk. I almost gagged when I ate the flakes b/c I forget that Africans love hot milk, grosssss. I had to interview three people today and select one person to be the coordinator for the project. I don’t like having to tell people they didn’t get the job. I still have to call a pastor and let him know that he’s a great person and strong candidate, but that we can’t hire him. My first interview was really cool, she’s the person that I’m going to hire.

After the interview she took me downtown to try and retrieve my lost bag w/ my all clothes. Driving downtown was cool, I like talking to random people and so I was talking to the cab driver about politics, football and America. It’s crazy, so many of the government buildings have signs reading, “Built with U.S.A. taxpayers money.” God bless our jacked up country and our crazy politics. We get to the airline place to find my bag and they open the closet and there’s my Maryland Terrapin Luggage tag on my giant red suitcase. I was so excited, and then they’re like, open it and take a look. I open it and my bag looks a little empty and I realize, my camera bag is not there and I’m kinda freakin out and they’re like, write down what’s missing and they will replace things that aren’t electronics or cameras, ughh so I’m out my fancy camera, I shouldn’t have packed it in my checked luggage I guess. They also took my sweet green laced Africa World Cup shoes, sucks, but such is life. Lesson learned. I got to go to lunch at a restaurant downtown in the capital and have my first real Liberian meal.

They had two giant wooden giraffes at the restaurant with a Liberian flag in their mouth. I took a picture w/ my cell phone camera, sadly that’s all that I can take pictures with. It’s ok tho, I’m really not that upset about my camera. Fotos don’t really do justice to Africa anyhow, you have to smell Africa, feel the air and the dust at your feet. After my final interview, I went walking around for a few hours. I wore my Guatemala man purse bag and my Liverpool jersey lol, I always try to appear not American, doesn’t work too well tho ha. It’s fun tho, Liverpool’s themesong is actually a hymn called, “You’ll Never Walk Alone” and all day lots of people, would look up and cheer, “You’ll Never Walk Alone!” It made me cheer up a bit. I walked through town, through markets and shops and I got to one street where I could look down and saw the ocean, so I started walking. I walked through probably four soccer games in the streets with kids playing through piles of trash and potholes and beat up streets with crappy balls. I passed a fancy home that had the iron letters, “Villa Patricia” welded on top of their fence. There was even some guy randomly walking in the street with a shirt that said, “Todos somos Americanos” lol, I love random things. Most kids were really nice to me and many looked up at me and said with a grin, “Liiiverpoooool” English is the official language, but most people talk a language I can’t understand at all. Little girls giggling gathered around the water pumps, while boys played games. Everything is a toy and they are so creative. Kids playing in the back of army cargo trucks, pushing each other in makeshift wheelbarrows even tho the tire doesn’t spin, rolling tire rims down the street with sticks, laughing and having a great time.

I finally got down to the end of the road to the beach. There was an official game of soccer going on, of sorts, they were older and there was a referee there. They were playing on a beach/hill/trash dump right on the beach with the waves slowly invading their pitch. I sat and watched next to a guy sitting on a bucket. Behind the goal was a palm thatched roof abandoned bar where a bunch of kids were watching. The goal was right next to the “public bathroom” aka a giant open cement thing with dividers and no privacy lol. The sun was setting and the tide swirled around the field so that it was almost surrounded on three sides of the field by water. The waves were crashing and hardly anyone was enjoying the beach even tho it was gorgeous. I walked along the waves for a bit and spent some time thinking and reflecting and smiling about how crazy normal my unnormal life is. I love it.

On my walk home I decided I should find dinner at the least shady spot I could find. I saw a sign for a nice looking restaurant called Frenchies lol it had nice pictures of good looking food, I started following the signs and it took me down sketchy streets and it’s night, so I feel like I glow in the dark at night in Africa, but I finally get to the restaurant and get a nice meal at a table with fancy African chairs and classy fake plastic flowers lol. I got to watch one of those shady Nigerian movies that are sorta Christian but also a bit slutty, lol, I so don’t get them. I decided I deserved a beer, yeah yeah I know, but I ordered the African Guiness which I also forgot how disgusting it is, and I love beer, but this is gross. I didn’t even drink half of it, which is a crime and not part of my diet/eating lifestyle plan or whatever ha.

30 Hours

I was kinda freakin out about my flight since i hadn't heard anything from any of my people for a few days, but I get to the airport and the first thing i see is a sign advertising my hotel, so i smiled at that sign and then someone came up and asked me if i was pete and said ppl were waiting for me. I almost hugged her b/c it's like 60 km from town and at night taxis are sketch, especially for a white dude packing six G's in his pocket lol. Funny story, my bag didn't make it even tho i had a day headstart lol, i packed a little bit of extra clothes in my carryon b/c i was predicting that somehow. Lol i can deal with that. It's a nice breezy evening w/ a nice rain, but i'm not having a beer or cafe at my hotel, i'm good like that. Here's my long email/journal entry from my last 15 hours of flights lol. So glad to be off a plane and showered. I like to write lol, it's therapeutic for me, my pen is still stuck in my jacket and i assume that all the tiny dots i passed flying over the giant lake in Ghana were hippos lol, doesn't count...

Aug. 25 Brussels, Belgium to Accra, Ghana Flight Boredom= Write long email/journal about the deep nothingnesses of my life:)

So I’m flying over the Sahara desert right now lol, my outlook reminder just popped up and informed me I’m supposed to be in chapel in 15 minutes. I don’t think I will be making that appointment J It is a giant red dusty blob as far as the eye can see. Can’t see any hippos or giraffes from up here, but it is quite cloudy. I flew sorta past Barcelona headed towards the Mediterranean Sea. We flew over the island of Mallorca which for some random reason is a place I really want to go. I’ve flown over the Mediterranean almost 10 times I think and I still have never gotten to actually see it. A cruise or backpacking around Greece, France and Spain on the sea would be high on my list of travel places I want to go to. I can’t remember where that St. John’s crazy last name place is, but hopefully it’s close to the Mediterranean.

What a ginormous and yet small world we live in. It overwhelms me. Flying brings out the kid in me, I’m glad that aerospace engineering didn’t suck that passion out of me. I’m always giddy when I fly, and yet despite being so excited, I still have the best naps on planes lol. I watched an African documentary about tracking animals in the wild using computers and technology in order to the culture and language of people in the bush. Not sure what I’m going to film a documentary on, lol, maybe this will just be my scouting trip, especially since my only video camera is my jank phone haha. The rest of the movies are awful, but that’s good b/c I have been reading and sleeping. I woke up from my most recent nap while they were showing Shrek.

I’m listening to Jack Johnson, I was supposed to go to his concert tomorrow night in West Palm with my my second favorite half ecuatoriana, bummed that I am missing the show. You joke that I think all my music is deep, lol that’s not true. Jack Johnson sings songs about surfing, love, sharing & recycling (he recorded the soundtrack for Curious George, which is awesome). Some are deep, some silly and some are just chill. I respect him b/c he’s pretty confident in himself but in a very humble and self-sacrificing way. He sings like someone who knows who he is and he believes that love always wins even if it sucks for him at the time. He even says stuff like, “What is the purpose of my life if it doesn’t have to do with learning to let it go.” I’m not sure that he’s talking about Jesus, but I respect how he recognizes that we take life too serious, we cling to our own stuff too seriously and we are too selfish. This morning for my devotion I was reading this book that reminded me of Jack Johnson actually lol, but I decided that he has a good grasp on grace and that it CLEARLY frees him to live life freely and at peace with himself and others. The author of my book says, “As Christians our standard of living can never be “right or wrong,” but the Cross. The principle of the Cross is our principle of conduct. Praise God that he makes his sun to shine on the evil and the good. With him it is a question of his grace and not of right or wrong. But that is to be our standard also: “Forgiving each other even as God in Christ Jesus also forgave you.”

I think simple truths are often the best, so I really liked that and I like Jack Johnson for that reason too lol, not that I’m comparing him to Jesus at all. I love tho how God will use my circumstances, music, reading and his Scripture to converge to smack me over the head with a truth that I need to learn b/c I am very stubborn when it comes to trusting God and walking confidently in my identity as His beloved son. For me I can see how my mistakes and others has led me on a journey to understand grace and be free to accept all that comes my way, knowing that I have a merciful and gracious father who has a freakin amazing plan for my life and loves me too much not to let me experience it. I haven’t even gotten to Africa yet and God’s already been speaking to me lol, I love traveling. I’d much rather be delayed or lost with someone amazing and fun than experience amazing places by myself though. Music, writing and Papa God will have to suffice in the meantime. I love writing so instead of journaling today, I wrote to you J Hehe, if I could text faster you’d have even more books to read, I like writing b/c I can process while I’m doing it. Anyhow, I’m about to land in Ghana and then will have a two hour connection to Liberia. Not 100% positive someone’s going to be there and where exactly my hotel is lol, but that’s what makes it interesting and teaches me to trust that my Father in Heaven loves his son and has a perfect plan even when it’s way different than what I want when I treat him like Santa or something.

A Dios Le Pido

que ironica esta cancion. Me encanta tanto para descansar despues de la luna y las estrellas muy hermosa y claro en la cancha detras de la casa de mis padres. Pensaba mucho por los anos, sobre mis deseos, suenos, amor, mi salvador, mi familia, mi pena, mi esperanza. Claro que si, luna me significa mucho pero quien sabe que pasara. Dios tiene mi vida en sus manos y el me conoce mejor que yo, conoce mis deseos que algun dia esta cancion me significara mucho mas de una balada. Solo puedo prepararme de ser el hombre que Dios quiere y puede usar por sus propositos y planes. No importa que pasa, las luna siempre me importan mucho y son un parte de mi corazon muy divino y precioso. A Dios le pido...jeje ok juanes

Luna de todas las noches
Ilumíname esta noche
Dime si ella es la reina
Y la dueña de todo mi amor
Luna lunita lunera
Luna llena luna perla
Dime si ella es la reina
Y la dueña de todo mi amor
Y dime si ella es de mi voz la piel
Y dime si ella es mi razón de ser
Luna de tantos amores
Luna viva luna hermosa
Dime si ella es la reina
Y la dueña de todo mi amor
Luna de noches en grima
Luna de la nochecita
Dime si ella es la reina
Y la dueña de todo mi amor
Y dime si ella es de mi voz la piel
Y dime si ella es mi razón de ser
Yo te doy todo mi amor
Luna de mi corazón
Yo te doy todo mi amor
Si tú me lo cuentas todo
Luna yo todo te doy
Luna de mi corazón
Yo te doy todo mi amor
Si tú me lo cuentas todo
Luna luna lunita lunera
Cascabelera bendita seas
Vení alumbra este andaluz
Que viene cargando esta cruz
Y dime de una vez si es ella la que yo quiero
Luna luna lunita lunera
Dime todos tus secretos
Y dime si ella es de mi voz la piel
Y dime si ella es mi razón de ser
Yo te doy todo mi amor
Luna de mi corazón
Yo te doy todo mi amor
Si tú me lo cuentas todo
Luna yo todo te doy
Luna de mi corazón
Yo te doy todo mi amor
Si tu me lo cuentas todo

Dang Kiwis

i was about to say that the New Zealand-Slovakia game demonstrates why I don't do fantasy sports. i just don't have the emotional capital to invest in getting all worked up and exasperated over the Kiwis taking my clean sheet and win away from my starting keeper, but then Fanny calls me b/c my ecuadorian abuelita insisted she call me to tell me about the amazing finish to the game we were watching this morning and she knew i would be driving and wanted to make sure i knew about it, que linda, i feel a little better about losing my points...

Season Maker

I love being trapped on trains or planes, especially without the internet or television. It forces me to stop, to breathe and to focus without giving me another noisy option to distract me from pursuing my greater purpose. I actually lament the announcement informing us of the approaching descent or the arrival of my metro or train stop. This is especially true of this trip where I have been engrossed in the Brothers Karamazov, cherishing every spare moment I have to spend time with the crazy Russians who have so much to reveal to me about my heart, my purpose and my unbelief. Some of my most enjoyable moments of this trip has been just sitting at cafes inhaling the fresh Parisian springtime while I inhale Dostoyevsky’s masterpiece. In these moments, everything slows down and I find solitude and communion with God despite the hustle and bustle about me.

It’s funny; Papa will go to great length to get my attention. I’m prone to complain about all the things that I would change about my life, my health, my heart’s desires that have yet to be fulfilled and the list goes on, but in moments of clarity, I recognize that I don’t want some weak substitute of God’s perfect plan for me. I don’t want to be Saul and have the crown thrust upon me only to melt under the weight of such power and stature. David was forced to endure 13 years of trial and suffering after Samuel declared his inheritance before God permitted to ascend to the throne. Those years formed and shaped him and equipped him to handle the favor which God desired to place upon him. The three Karamazov boys appear to be diametrically opposed to each other in a way that requires Non-Euclidean geometry, but in this milieu I recognize great strengths and weaknesses in each brother that is very present in me, both good and bad. Suffering is a huge part of the story, but the reader is invited to witness the difference between arrogant vane suffering and a purging suffering connected to Christ and calling forth Hosanna and our earthly Resurrections.

Oh for moments of solitude, but they are so heavy upon us that we avoid them at great length even though deep down we recognize the power and purpose in enduring them. Ivan beautifully portrays this flight from freedom that Christians flock two because it is frighteningly overwhelming. He echoes Paul’s words to the Galatians calling them to abandon their regression to live under the law b/c it is comfortable and doesn’t overwhelm them the way that living by the Spirit forces them to surrender, to lay down their self, their choice in order to fully live. What a glorious paradox. I’ve had a good number of conversations with others and internally regarding the nature of spiritual spring versus winter. The Parisian springtime blossoms, buds and breezes beckon me to spring, and the sunlight of this shift brought me joy that I have not experienced for some time. In the midst of this joy though, I realized that seasons don’t matter, because I know the season-maker and I trust his goodness!

Who could ever predict a massive volcano eruption bringing all of Europe to a halt? Again, I’m presented a mandatory respite requiring me to change my own plans and to listen to my divine season maker. Last night I was planning not to sleep b/c I have a lot of work to do, wanted to finish my book, didn’t feel like spending 20 bucks on a dependable alarm clock to wake me up for the early morning train, and I didn’t trust the hotel staff to walk all the way up the six flights of rickety spiraling wooden staircases since my phone wasn’t working. Well I was watching the Wire as it has been compared to a modernized urban Brother’s Karamazov and next thing you know I’m waking up in a panic at the light outside. I must have dozed off around 3:30 and I have the capacity to sleep for 13 hours or more given the opportunity and so I panicked assuming I certainly slept beyond my necessary wake-up time. I couldn’t believe it when I looked at my computer to see that I essentially woke up at the perfect time to reasonably collect my things, grab a croissant and espresso strolling through the streets one last time before embarking upon the next legs of my adventures.

I grabbed a seat near the middle and we were shortly off. (Pointless aside: The first thing that struck me was the series of seven illustrations detailing the emergency window smashing procedures. I laughed, it was terribly complicated and required you to perforate the glass then by puncture with the hammer and repeat both steps three times and then voila, you are free! We are screwed if anything happens)

You’d have thought that I’d have learned from Milan that I should always double check the destination of trains in Europe, but I didn’t. I was relieved to get to Strasbourg, our first stop and hear the announcements for Zurich on my current track. Well, unbeknownst to me and not adequately addressed in the announcements was that the first half of the train would continue on to Zurich while the rear remained there. Of course I find this out quite late and the train is long gone. Unreal, I can’t believe something like that happened again and I can feel the stress rising up in me and the fury. Well a friendly chap from the UK did the same thing and upon inquiring about our course of action, we were told that the next train to Zurich was in two hours and we would be fine to wait for that train. Bearable. Well I grabbed another coffee and walked outside toting my two massive suitcases, backpack and camera bag. I would just sit in the plaza in front of the monastery turned transportation hub.

After I calmed about, read some of Dmitri’s trial and took in some sunshine. I decided that I would explore a bit and within a five minute walk I found myself at the meandering banks of the Rhine assaulted on all sides by an advancing spring. I chuckled as I recognized what a fortuitous blessing to be so foolishly detained at this station. I sat down in the fresh air at a quaint riverside café, enjoyed a sucre glass of vin blanc (reminded me of the delightfully sweet wine we shared in Napa!) with delicious croquettes aux tres formages and the company of Dostoyevsky’s ghosts. It couldn’t have planned it this well, but I just don’t have the foresight to trust completely in the one orchestrating my life and enjoy without fear the incredibly intimate and perfect journey he desires me to travel in spite of my own intentions to go off-track. After a relaxing and nourishing lunch, both in mind and body, I strolled back to the station and sat for ten minutes reflecting on God’s perfection and my immaturity.

I pray that I have the strength to step aside from myself and marvel at the divine season maker and his delightfully perfect plan for me, volcanic ash, confusing trains, riverside glasses of wine and heartbreak included. In sorrow there is joy, in joy there is sorrow. May they equip me to handle his favor and honor him fully in the plans he has for me.