Grace in the garden

I wasn't looking forward to tonight. It was going to be hot and community meetings are always somewhat nerve wracking because I never know how many people are going to come. Tonight we had our meeting at the Pearl Street Community Garden. Our meeting was on environmental stewardship in an urban setting. I had arranged a bunch of speakers and agencies with resources to be there. We also had a cook out, which was awesome, despite me being an inept griller. Thanks, Pops. I felt guilty that I left my reusable grocery bags at home when I picked up food for the meeting. Hypocrite. Back to the garden.

It's one of my favorite places in Haddington. Those are some of my kids tired from the heat from our environmental education summer camp (They all signed photo waivers). I used to walk past it everyday on the way to work at the Senior Center. The garden is huge and is set off the road and is right next to a public housing project. The garden has started to take over the projects as well and the gardens and art inside the projects is life-giving. The folks around there take such pride in the garden and area. It's such a shame the city can't take care of the dumpsters. They have a ton of hot peppers which I love and some great purple green beans. Who knew? I'm tempted to eat a nectarine from their fruit trees, even though doctors told me when I was five that I was probably allergic to them. I often steal some spices from their herb garden and one of my hobbies is smelling lemon balm and rubbing lambs ear. It's so soft. I love that the Bible starts in a garden and ends in a city and that here and now there can be such beautiful gardens in the middle of a city.

I've had such a long week that I wasn't real excited about tonight and had no idea how many people would show up. I had to run around all day, grab 50 folding chairs, go shopping for food, and call the Streets Department fifty times because they almost backed out on dropping off our recycling bins for the meeting. I almost had an anxiety attack on top of everything else I'm fighting through.

There were actually people there when I walked up an hour before it was scheduled to start. It made me giggle. I love old people, they aren't constrained by time. I can't wait to be at that point where I'm not tied down by a clock and just live. People started to shuffle in and before you knew it, we had a solid fifty people and almost 70 or 80 stopped by. We gave out 500 Compact Flourescent Light Bulbs and 50 recycling bins. People got a lot of information and were really appreciative. There was a lot of exchange between block captains, neighbors and service providers/ agencies.

Sometimes I worry about my job. It's been a real challenge of late and I feel like no one cares if I don't do a whole lot or if I do a ton. That kind of sounds like a poverty management job and that scares the crap out of me. People that get paid to manage people in poverty and make a living off of poor people without empowering and affecting change really creep me out. There needs to be more accountability with non-profits and city/governmental agencies. I can't tell you how many of my phone calls never get returned. It's easy to happen though. Complacency happens before you know it. I moved to the city and was all about justice, wholeness and the Kingdom of God. I have a hard time seeing Jesus in the distressing disguise of the poor sometimes. I am quick to judge and condemn people because I feel like I'm an authority on black people in my neighborhood and the white trashy folks that hang out sometimes. I know I'm not supposed to judge, but it's so easy to do so, especially when I'm tired and hurting.

Quite often kids or adults confound my notions of normal , especially as they relate to the kingdom of God. I love those moments because they put me in the place I need to be. God said to seek peace and pursue it. Seek the peace and prosperity of the city, for if it prospers, you will prosper. I have a hard time accepting prosperity as a prominent part of God. I'm so afraid that I will treat God like Santa or a negotiator that I won't ask to prosper. I just ask God to use me and keep me faithful to Him, I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I know He wants the best for His children, but there are a lot of faithful Christians living in abject poverty all around the world. How are they supposed to respond to all those things preachers on TV say about God, prosperity and blessings? I don't know, my mind is always wondering and sometimes I wish I were just simple minded. Haha, maybe I'm not as complex as I like to consider myself.

This week has actually been pretty encouraging at work, which I would have never thought at the start of the week. Tonight was the culmination of that. I really thanked God for it and felt so hopeful. I love my neighborhood and I want to give so much for it. I feel somewhat restricted in my work because of my health and today was a real strain for me, but it went so well. I've felt a touch like Job lately, except I wasn't very strong before God started taking things from me. Anyhow, that's another day. I know that in my weakness, He is made strong. I have a hard time resting in that, particularly when it comes to work. I had grand visions about making radical changes, but I'll stick with Mother Teresa and seek to do small things with great love. God's so patient with me and surprises me when I'm not expecting things. I just wanted tonight to be done with, and yet God used it to encourage me so much. I know I have so much to learn and the more I learn the less I know. I'm just moving on and learning my lessons as God teaches me. Who knows where tomorrow will take me, but I'm trying to be ready. Thanks Father

Love is Different

Can't get myself to write much, that's pretty rare. Praying for understanding and perspective. Disappointment is rough, especially when you disappoint and are disappointed at the same time. I kinda feel like I thought I was being real faithful and noble and then I realized I was still being pretty selfish and not real trusting. That was rough to find out. I'm fighting to know the truths that God has promised me. Sometimes I listen to Gospel music and it seems like a bunch of crap to me. I guess that's ok cuz it usually drives me to God in prayer and His word. Though sometimes I even feel that way about the scriptures too. I can usually find a Psalm that fits my mood, even when I'm not looking for unbridled optimism. David was pretty raw, I've been feeling him a lot lately. Rondo reminded me of Tozer's quote that, if my flame is small, it is yet real and there may be those whose candle may be lit by it. I kinda feel that way right now.

God strengthens me and gives me power through my His spirit in my inner being so that Christ dwells in my heart through faith. God can do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine. Be not wise in your own eyes and lean not on your own understanding. My heart and flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Some Caedmon's Call to get me to sleep...

Love Is Different

Well it looks like five thousand miles
Broke the camel's back
But it's not as though I had a plan
To win you back
Because I don't know what I want
But at least I know that much
I'm afraid love came right up
And slapped me in the face
But I did not know, no
Cause...

Love is different than you'd think
It's never in a song, or on a TV screen
And love is harder than a word
Said at the right time, and everything's alright
I said love is different than you'd think

And so I won't expect a postcard
From Trefulgar's square
But I'd be lying if I said
I didn't care
Because you can't just turn it off
And put a blindfold on your heart
But I'm off to a good start
We're a continent away
But I do not know, oh no
Cause...

Maybe you're the dream I'm waking from
But I see you everywhere I go
Darling, you are such a mystery to me
You know, don't you know that...



Table for Two

Danny and I spent another late night over pancakes,
Talkin' 'bout soccer
And how every man's just the same
We made speculation
On the who's and the when's of our futures
And how everyone's lonely
But still we just couldn't complain

And how we just hate being alone
Could I have missed my only chance
And now I'm just wasting my time
By looking around
But you know I know better
I'm not gonna worry 'bout nothing
Cause if the birds and the flowers survive
Then I'll make it okay
I'm given a chance and a rock
see which one breaks a window
See which one keeps me up all night and into the day

Because I'm so scared of being alone
That I forget what house I live in
But it's not my job to wait by the phone
For her to call

Well this day's been crazy
But everything's happened on schedule
from the rain and the cold
To the drink that I spilled on my shirt
'Cause You knew how You'd save me
before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day
long before You made me out of dirt

And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep.

Miroslav Volf on Giving

"We love truly only when we achieve that state of self-giving where in some sense we "completely disappear" in the beloved. Yet in our sober moments, we rightly hesitate, knowing well that disappointment is inevitable and that, if we give ourselves so completely, we are likely to end up squandering ourselves."

"No, the one who in love forgets himself, forgets his suffering, in order to think of someone else's, forgets all his misery in order to think of someone else's, forgets what he himself loses in order lovingly to bear in mind someone else's loss, forgets his advantage in order lovingly to think of someone else's- truly such a person is not forgotten. There is one who is thinking about him: God in heaven. Or love is thinking about him. God is Love, and when a person out of love forgets himself, how then would God forget him! No, while the one who loves forgets himself and thinks of the other person, God is thinking of the one who loves." ~Kierkegaard as quoted by Volf

"The self in whom Christ is active is modest. It doesn't give in order to aggrandize itself, prove its moral worth, or demonstrate its power. It can forget itself in the act of giving and reach out to neighbors in love - it gives in order to delight in others and to help them in their needs."

"A rich self lives in the present with contentment. Rather than never having enough of anything except for the burden others place on it, it is "always having enough of everything." It still strives, but it strives out of satisfied fullness, not out of the emptiness of craving. A rich self looks toward the future with trust. It gives rather than holding things back in fear of coming out too short, because it believes God's promise that God will take care of it."

"In the case of the benefit, this is a binding rule for the two who are concerned- the one should straightaway forget that it was given, the other should never forget that it was received. Modest givers forget they have given, hence they resist the recipients' gratitude."

"Givers' forgetfulness and receivers' memory seem at odds with one another. The modesty of givers requires ingratitude from receivers: and the gratitude of receivers feeds the arrogance of givers."

"To forgive is to give wrongdoers the gift of not counting the wrongdoing against them.The condemned wrongdoing has been lifted from the wrongdoers shoulders. The generous release of a genuine debt is the heart of forgiveness."

"All our forgiving is inescapably incomplete. That's why it's so crucial to see our forgiving not simply as our own act, but as participating in God's forgiving. Our forgiving is faulty; God's is faultless. Our forgiving is provisional; God's is final. We forgive tenuously and tentatively; God forgives unhesitatingly and definitively. As we forgive, we always wrong the offender by inadequate judgment and pride; God forgives with justice and genuine love. The only way we dare forgive is by making our forgiving transparent to God's and always open to revision. After
all, our forgiveness is only possible as an echo of God's."

My Best Thinking Times

I enjoy walking to work in the morning. Interestingly, it has nothing to do with saving money or resisting our dependence on oil, foreign or domestic, though those are nice bonuses. It's a great time to prepare for the day. A time to talk on the phone, to pray to sing or take pictures in my mind or on my camera. You notice so much more when you're walking. My friend Justin says that driving in cars is like watching the world happen on television, but when you walk or ride your bike, you're a part of the story.

There's a new garden a block from my house with a mulched walk through with some beautiful purple flowers. I like walking through it, especially since I know that Urban Tree Connection established the garden and I know many of the kids that put work into the garden. Speaking of, today I was talking to someone from Urban Tree Connection about my trip to Mexico and Guatemala. Who would have thought that in the sixties he would be arrested twice in Mexico City while he was running a fake teeth factory? You can't make that up. We were working to plan a new garden next to AchieveAbility's computer center. I'm pretty excited about it. I love gardens and working in them with kids and watching them learn about nature and being good stewards of the environment.

My favorite part of the day is my run. Right after work, it's my time to clear my mind, connect to God, enjoy the beautiful nature in my neighborhood, and push and challenge myself. I'm slowly getting faster and stronger and can run farther. I do some of my best thinking while I'm out on the trail. I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness and giving lately. Partly because of the season I'm in, partly because of this amazing book I've read a few times lately, and partly because of the lessons that God wants me to learn right now.

I'm reading Miroslav Volf's "Free of Charge: Giving and Forgiving in a Culture Stripped of Grace" The book has really opened my eyes and changed my mind about a lot of things. I'm going to write some of my favorite quotes later, but I found a few on the web. I need to get my reading in before bedtime, so it'll have to wait!

Revenge multiples evil. Retributive justice contains evil - and threatens the world with destruction. Forgiveness overcomes evil with good. Forgiveness mirrors the generosity of God whose ultimate goal is neither to satisfy injured pride nor to justly apportion reward and punishment, but to free sinful humanity from evil and thereby reestablish communion with us. This is the gospel in its stark simplicity - as radically countercultural and at the same time as beautifully human as anything one can imagine.

If forgiveness is unconditional, does that dispense with repentance? No: forgiveness is social; it isn’t simply about making the offended party feel better. The offended party forgives, but the gift of forgiveness is only truly received by repentance. Otherwise it gets stuck in the middle. Repentance is not a condition but a consequence of forgiveness. When we have done wrong we find it hard to admit our fault, but the fact of unconditional forgiveness makes repentance possible.

Evil just inexplicably is. God didn’t create it. It’s a twisting of God’s creation, a negation of its original goodness, and therefore an assault on God. In the end, God will finally and definitively overcome evil. And even now God is engaged in countering it. Just as God was mysteriously in the Crucified One, God is in the midst of humanity’s suffering, listening to every sigh, collecting every tear, resonating with the trembling with every fear-stricken heart. Just as God was in the Resurrected One, God is in each helping hand, in each act of self-sacrifice, in each life laid down for another, and God occasionally even heals and protects without any human mediation. God suffers and God helps

Keep me guessing

Jayson Werth should pay me as his good luck charm. In the past two years he has hit 22 homeruns in 171 games. I've attended 7 Phillies games in that time and he's hit 5 homeruns in those games. That works out to attending 4% of his games played and witnessing 23% of his homers. Now on top of that, he wasn't an everyday starter last year, meaning he saw limited at bats if any for four of those games. So, I've seen him hit roughly 25% of his homeruns in two years in about only 2% of his games played. I'd say that gives me a pretty impressive track record. I think I will write the Phils a letter. I'm expecting a fruit/cheese basket in a few weeks.

Last year when I went to the Phillies game in Phoenix I sat behind the Phillies dugout and was talking to Charlie Manuel and insisted that they call up Chris Coste from the minors and within a week, he was on the active roster. I'm not taking total responsibility, again, but I believe there is some credit due.

So yes, I went to the Phillies game this afternoon. It was Rob's birthday on Friday and he put his Economic Stimulus check to work inviting like 40 people to the Phillies game to celebrate. I really respect that and think it's an awesome way to use money and celebrate a birthday. It was cool, I hadn't seen him in a long time and got to talk with him and some other guys.

When I lived with my parents, I was always in the know about the weather and was rarely caught off guard. I certainly don't understand my father's obsession with the weather, but it sure appreciate knowing when to expect a violent down pour and thunderstorm. The rain was coming down sideways like in Braveheart. There's been more lightning in the past week than the combined amount of lightning strikes in my three years in Philly. It's kinda funny, I haven't even lived her three full years yet, but if you ask Ms. Linda, Tyree or most other people, they think I've lived here for five years or more. The total keeps going up much more rapidly than real time.

Anyhow, I love Philly. I enjoy my city and I think it's pretty cool that I have grown to love parts of it that I didn't foresee appreciating. I like walking my city in the rain late at night. It definitely flows with my season right now. My life is quite uncertain to me right now and I find myself drawn to mysterious things. A big song on my heart right now is Caedmon's Call's "Faith My Eyes" The song is a prayer to walk faithfully and find the beauty in mystery. It's almost a plea to God to keep things a mystery so that we are faithful to Him and don't rely on ourselves. That's a pretty bold prayer, and I might not be there, but I'm closer than I was and I'm continuing to move that way. I think that's what God wants of me.


... I don't want to know
Life is better off a mystery

So keep 'em coming these lines on the road
And keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load
And keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise
And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes

My Beautiful Neighborhood

I saw a 6 or 7 point buck on the trail this morning. I paced off it for like 4 seconds, then he blew me away. While I'm running in the woods along the creek, I often think about the Psalm that says my soul thirsts for God as a deer pants for the waters of streams. I also saw a snake half way up the killer hill by Whitby Ave. I stepped in some fresh paint and my footprint will be on the bikepath for quite awhile. Yesterday I saw a blue Heron over by the golf course. Pretty sweet to see such beautiful animals so close to my house and in the heart of the hood. God's pretty neat like that. Running has been such a blessing to me and helped me focus on God and appreciate so much that he's done for me.

Scrantonicity

Scranton visit to see Counting Crows and Maroon 5 today! Holly and I made the drive up the PA Turnpike. We explored downtown Scranton for a bit. Not quite as mystical as I was hoping for, but still a lot of fun nonetheless. We couldn't find Poor Richards, only Pour Boys, so we settled for a greek Bistro instead. Kevin from the office was actually the host of the concert, but he didn't say much and there was no Scrantonicity references.

I've wanted to see Counting Crows for so long. I had different ideas about how the day would go, but I had a great day. The concert venue is a huge tent in the woods. It was really pretty sweet and made me think about vector geometries and statics. They played a lot of newer stuff, but plenty of classics as well. They ended with Long December and it really hit me hard, some tears, but such a beautiful song. Will describe the concert tomorrow.

The lead singer from Maroon 5 is a tool, but man can they rock. After watching Adam Duritz pour his heart into the music, tell stories through his songs, and channel the music through his dance and motion, Adam Levine was merely a performer. I suppose there's no shame in that, but I ashamedly enjoyed their performance a lot and they had a sweet cover of Chris Isaak's Wicked Games that led into She will Be Loved. He was wearing goofy white snug fit pants. Huh moment of the day, he welcomed the crowd and said that he was excited to be in Philly. Not so much.

Anywho, more to come later. I'm going to the Phils game tomorrow after church with Rob for his birthday. Ten days til Central America!


A Long December

A long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven
Now the days go by so fast
And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...i wish you would

To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in hollywood
If you think you might come to california...i think you should
Drove up to hillside manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year

I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And its been a long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

Its been so long since Ive seen the ocean...i guess I should