I could end each day sitting in a hammock listening to good music, talking to God and reflecting on my day. I woke up early to go for a run. My brother asked me if I noticed the altitude change, and I really didn´t, but now it´s going to be in my head. It was the most beautiful run, I´ve been on in a long time. Running through Coyoacan was so refreshing, full of colors, smells, gardens and inviting parks. I even got to run past Frida´s house and Leon Trotsky tambien. I felt so good and did some exploraring and felt great to start the day. Andrew and I went to the Zocalo first, which is the huge square downtown surrounded by the national palace and the church with the most gold I´ve ever seen. I was so sad because they weren´t letting people into the palacio and I so badly wanted to see Diego Rivera´s murals. He´s one of my top three favorite artists of all time. There is at least a football field´s worth of murals that tell the beautiful and painful story of Mexico´s history.

fighting sleep... will write mas tomorrow. So glad to be here!

things to write about...

Dido white flag on the bus

i was the tallest person on the bus with like 25 people on it
with or without you at the taco place drinking german beer
running across the street with rain up to my ankles in leather sandels in la presa
Basilica and catholic questions
churros after dinner
andy{s family being awesome
how to lose a guy in ten days
walking the food markets and the religious fanatics markets
students massacred

andy almost got me killed by a bus

mariachis on subway

michigan state hat

i love food

He me aqui

Landed safely in Mexico. I've spent more time waiting in airports today than I've slept the past two days. Can't wait to catch up. Thad and Vince took me to the airport at 4:30. I know Big's been waiting to get mentioned in my blog for a minute now. West Philly all day, but I'm excited to spend some time in algunos barrios y por la tierra del pueblo. I wandered around the Mexican airport for a few hours with a MacGyvered suitcase setup since my one suitcase is missing a wheel. Got scolded by la policia for sacaring a photograph of a reflection off some important building. Spanish holding up so far, nice lunch. They serve amazing food on Mexicana Airlines.

Andy and I are staying in Coyoacan and it's a pretty sweet area. Diego Rivera, Frida Kahlo and Trotsky lived in this borough and you can definitely sense the rebellious, artistic and revolutionary spirit still here. We went to a really stylish restaurant with live music and enjoyed dinner from a molcajete followed by some sweet churros and cafe after dinner.

Sleep is coming soon, so sweet!

Tupac's Favorite Poet (mine too)

Tupac and Huey from the Boondocks turned me on to Kahlil Gibran. Figure that. Read as much of his stuff as you can get your hands on. These are a few that I've been feeling lately. English wasn't even his first language (Lebonese) ...craziness.

Joy and Sorrow Kahlil Gibran

Then a woman said, 'Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.'

And he answered: Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some of you say, 'Joy is greater than sorrow,' and others say, 'Nay, sorrow is the greater.'

But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

On Pain

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

On Work (just a portion of it, maybe my fav)

You have been told also that life is darkness, and in your weariness you echo what was said by the weary.

And I say that life is indeed darkness save when there is urge,

And all urge is blind save when there is knowledge,

And all knowledge is vain save when there is work,

And all work is empty save when there is love;

And when you work with love you bind yourself to yourself, and to one another, and to God.

And what is it to work with love?

It is to weave the cloth with threads drawn from your heart, even as if your beloved were to wear that cloth.It is to build a house with affection, even as if your beloved were to dwell in that house.It is to sow seeds with tenderness and reap the harvest with joy, even as if your beloved were to eat the fruit.It is to charge all things you fashion with a breath of your own spirit,

And to know that all the blessed dead are standing about you and watching.

Great and Unsearchable Things

I love the book of Jeremiah. Been reading through it a lot lately. I was reading through Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet" which is like my favorite book on poetry and his connection between joy and sorrow reminds me a lot of Jeremiah. I like this passage in Jer. 33.

"This is what the LORD says, he who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it—the LORD is his name: 3 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'

4 For this is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says about the houses in this city and the royal palaces of Judah that have been torn down to be used against the siege ramps and the sword 5 in the fight with the Babylonians: 'I will hide my face from this city because of all its wickedness.

6 " 'Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.

7 I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before. 8 I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me. 9 Then this city will bring me renown, joy, praise and honor before all nations on earth that hear of all the good things I do for it; and they will be in awe and will tremble at the abundant prosperity and peace I provide for it.'

Green Lining

I remember from the DC Urban Project, we used to talk about green lining. It meant that we approach things with a cultural posture of learning, we reserve judgment, observe, and give people the benefit of the doubt. There's a whole fun little drawing to accompany the idea. I haven't thought about that particular terminology in a long time, but it just came to me as I'm sitting in the Green Line Coffee Shop. I came here to work on mind-numbing paper work for my job. I'm going to be here for quite a while and just needed to get out of my office. I have had waaaaaaaay too much coffee today, and I've only eaten bananas so far. I'm going to run back to my office, grab a quick run and then hit up the coffee shop again. Just needed to take a break from the monotony.

I was trying to come up with a catchy blog title and it came and hit me... real deep, I know. It actually is because its very appropriate for me, in my neighborhood, my job and my personal life. It's about extending grace, removing your ego, hoping and giving people a possibility to grow into. I need to green line.

It's ironic because just today I borrowed Rachel's book called the Art of Possibility by Rosamund and Benjamin Zander. You can actually read it on Google Books How freakin cool is Google. I have read portions and have been wanting to read the whole thing for some time now. Really, the only part of the book I'm familiar with is the portion that describes the practice of giving an A. It's pretty much the same concept as greenlining, but drawn out into an entire philosophy on life. I need to read this because it's the obverse side of trusting in God and not fretting. It's not to say that people are basically good, but that there is a masterpiece inside each of us and we need to look for that and not compete with one another or judge. Anyhow, the authors write that,

"Michelangelo is often quoted as having said that inside every block of stone or marble dwells a beautiful statue; one need only remove the excess material to reveal the work of art within. If we were to apply this visionary concept to education, it would be pointless to compare one child to another. Instead, all the energy would be focused on chipping away at the stone, getting rid of whatever is in the way of each child's developing skills, mastery and self-expression.

It is an enlivening way of approaching people that promises to ransform you as well as them. It is a shift in attitude that makes it possible for you to speak freely about your own thoughts and feelings while, at the same time, you support others to be all they dream of being. The practice of giving an A transports your relationships from the world of measurement into the universe of possibility."

That's where I stand right now. I need to transport my relationships. It's so much easier to just judge, hold grudges and be angry at people who disappoint or hurt you. I'm sick of that, it wears on you way too much. I'm letting go, I'm greenlining and you're all getting A's suckers, cuz I'm a big old sucker myself. Listening to U2 and Bono cryin out in Yahweh and a lot of that song talks about giving people A's, especially recognizing that we all deserve big fat F's, but that it is through God's love that we are capable of shining. I love that man. Oh, and give me an A even though I'm writing this at work, no worries, I'll be working all evening! Peace

Yahweh

Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes and make them fit, take this shirt

Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt, and make it clean, clean
Take this soul stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul, and make it sing

Take these hands, teach them what to carry
Take these hands, don't make a fist
Take this mouth, so quick to criticise
Take this mouth, give it a kiss

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh

Still I'm waiting for the dawn, still waiting for the dawn, the sun is coming up
The sun is coming up on the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean

Tell me now why the dark before the dawn?
Take this city, a city should be shining on a hill
Take this city, if it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart, take this heart, take this heart
And make it break

New York State of Mind

"It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong..." ~George Costanza

I always laugh hysterically when I see that episode and watch as he begins to act conversely to his instincts only to discover things begin working out magnificently after this adjustment. It ties together wonderfully in a half hour episode. Unfortunately, it doesn't quite pan out in the real world. Although, to take this anecdote to what I assume is an unintended spiritual level, it somewhat represents dying to our flesh nature. We are called to reject our earthly impulses and live counter to our comfort in opposition to fear and doubt. I've found that to be a hard place to walk in, despite repeated efforts and focus.

This weekend I considered George's dilemma on several occasions as I thought through a multitude of decisions, small and large. Ironically, I suppose the first decision was whether or not to go up to Seinfeld's backyard and visit the Big Apple. I was hoping to take Tyriq and Thaddeus with me, but they both backed out and when I finally rolled out of bed on Saturday morning, I was grumpy not only from sleep deprivation, but from the sounds of rain that carried all the way to my bed. After much deliberation, internet and fatherly research, I made the decision to go for it. Three hours later, after a brief rain storm pincered me in Central Park, the weather cleared up for good and left me a perfect weekend to enjoy New York.

Old friends and new ones are beautiful things. I had such a great time exploring the city. I was never too terribly fond of NYC before, but I guess it's finally growing on me. For me being such an urbanite, this was the first time I ever hailed a cab before. True story. I'd never been to Harlem before, that was cool, very different than Philly. Saw a beautiful night storm come across the Hudson as the sun was setting. Walked along the river by Chinatown as a front was coming in. I love the time right before a storm, it's so peaceful and yet terrifying. Walked a ton. I visited St. Patrick's Cathedral and I love churches and beautiful architecture and I'm very fascinated by Catholicism and learning about the early church and saints. There was a wedding going on and it was in Spanish and the groom's name was Pedro.

I enjoyed an arepa from a street fair that was muy sabroso. I read Dyson's new book on Dr. King's death at a quaint coffee shop during the rain and also on the bus. He explores Dr. King's philosophy about his own death, violence and the weight of knowing he would die and how it's affected America 40 years later, incredible book. Hadn't been on a Chinatown bus for a minute and had some amazing white peaches and cherries from a fruit market. Spent a lot of time at Columbus Square and had an awesome view from the top of a building right next to the square. I certainly couldn't buy a house there and I'd be broke if I lived there, but it's definitely unlike any other city in the U.S.

Went to church this morning (not at St. Patrick's) and the message was about fasting, which was pretty cool because I had a conversation about fasting over breakfast this morning. I suppose whenever someone speaks on fasting, I hope for them to speak about Isaiah 58 and the true fasting that God calls us to in seeking justice and breaking chains of inequities and that God doesn't care much for false piety that is hollow and void of justice done in love. Anyhow, that withstanding, something that I really took away is us longing in our fasting, for things to be as they were intended by God. It's a recognition that things aren't right and a hope for the kingdom to attain this. In that way, it connects us to Christ's ministry and to each other. I often approach fasting as me desiring God to fix things in MY life, somewhat implicitly in ways that I desire, and it's really just about ME. I think that maybe fasting is about God and others. It's about His will, period. Not necessarily His will for Pete Gackenbach, but His will, period.

When we fast, it becomes clear that it's not about us, it's about God and His kingdom. We get to be a part of it, but we're not starring in it, anymore than anyone else. I was a bit bummed because they served communion at the earlier service and I haven't partaken in communion in a while. Communion Sunday is a solid three hours at Greater St. Matthew's, which is brutal, but I love the actual communion portion of those days. I never really thought about it before, but fasting is much like communion. Yes, it's an introspective time, but it calls us to look to Jesus and look to others. We disappear in the sacraments and we disappear when we let go of our earthly reliance.

God's working on me. My heart and my butt have been kicked a bit lately, but I always go back to Psalms and remind myself that my heart and flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. I can't wait to see what's in store, I know I sure would have written the story differently, but there must be a reason I'm living in a basement and He's sitting on the throne of the universe ;c)

At church, we met someone from Germany who has been traveling throughout the east coast before heading back to college. He even hiked for three weeks on the Appalachian Trail by himself, haha and I was proud of running a quarter mile at night in West Philly through a paved path in the woods. I actually handed him my drivers license and asked him how to pronounce my last name. I was somewhat hoping for a deep revelation, but I think he basically said it the same way I've been told all along. He hung out with us for most of the day and we had some neat conversation sitting in Central Park. We also introduced him to Chipotle and he was awestruck. Anyhow...

More to come on the NYC adventures tomorrow. I've got to get to bed. Only two days of work this week, but I have much to get done!

Patience Can Cook a Stone

God's really trying to teach me patience these days. I must be really resistant or something. My parents came to check out houses with me. I started to put a bid in on the one that I really like and Sister Anne Marie called and let me know that I won't be able to get the one that I wanted. Back to the drawing board...

It was pretty cool that my parents came and were so excited. I still might buy one of the houses. I suppose I need to wait and make sure that it's really what God wants for me. I'm so confused by where God's leading me, but man I'm trying to be patient and faithful. I kinda felt like the monk who was chased by tigers and jumped off a cliff and grabbed a branch only to face tigers at the bottom of the pit as well. Suddenly, he saw a strawberry growing from the branch, and ate it and it was the most delicious strawberry ever. I suppose my strawberry was the pizza and beer that I shared with my parents at Dock Street this afternoon. My mom had beer for the first time in her life. I'm so proud. It's important to be able to appreciate small things and big picture things in the midst of trials. I'm getting there.

So I'm waiting. It's cool, I know some friends who are waiting on things too. Situations that seem overwhelming, but God says to stand firm and to wait. My cell phone wallpaper is a picture of a sign in a display case of an abandoned building up the block from my office. Someone randomly writes Bible verses on pieces of paper and changes them once a week or so. Two weeks ago, they put up a verse from Isaiah that has been my meditation day and night, I open my phone and think of the verse so often, "Do not anxiously look about you for I am your God, I will strengthen you." (Isaiah 41:10) I am so hesitant to put all my trust, I mean all my trust in God, I will slowly put a little bit more and a little bit more, but I hold some back.

I was thinking about patience a lot tonight. I'm not even patient with myself. I get so down on myself when I swear, when I get bitter, fearful, or doubt God. I'm so quick to dismiss the voice that says, "Let it go Son, let it go." That's what I'm trying to learn right now, to let things go. I guess I'm slowly getting there. I like discipline. It's one of the things I enjoy about running. Pain can be so beautiful. I had a doctor's appointment today and they ran a bunch more tests on me. For some reason the needle in my arm hurt worse than normal, but it didn't bother me. I am hopeful because I want to feel better and the pain is a necessary step to diagnosing the cause of my problems. I'm so tired of my health that I want to go through as many tests as possible because my hope and desire to feel better dominates whatever is required to get there. I was excited that my doctor referred me to three other doctors. I suppose that I need to feel the same way about my life in general. I've had some pretty painful tests, but I want to get where I'm supposed to be going.

Suffering apart from Christ is wasteful pain though. In our suffering, we are about to connect to Christ. He chose to suffer voluntarily and suffered innocently. He defeated sin and death, the ultimate suffering upon the cross and thereby defeated suffering period. Death lost its sting and the grave had no victory. Paul said, I am crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ now lives in me. Pope John Paul II gave a speech that I really like regarding this verse, he says,

"Faith enables the author of these words to know that love which led Christ to the cross. And if He loved us in this way, suffering and dying, then with this suffering and death, He lives in the one whom He loved in this way; He lives in the man: in Paul. And living in him to the degree that Paul, conscious of this through faith, responds to His love with love--Christ also becomes in a particular way united to the man, to Paul, through the cross. This union caused Paul to write, in the same letter to the Galatians, other words as well, no less strong: "But far be it from me to glory except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world." [Salvifici Doloris, Pope John Paul II]

Now that's deep. I had a nice run and thought about suffering. It was interesting, I was running in the dark, and it almost seemed like hills weren't as bad and I could run harder than when I run during the daylight. I'm not sure if there's any truth to that. I felt completely comfortable and at ease. I don't really understand where I'm going with my life, but I know that God's doing something and I have absolutely no fear at all for my safety in my neighborhood. I'm not sure if that's faith or foolishness. I suppose it may be some combination of the two. I was running at night, which I love to do.

I got to Baltimore Avenue and the trail goes into the woods at that point and I debated continuing, and I went for it. There was a bit of light on the path and as I was coming to the bridge, the train passed and lit up the woods. A strange thing happened too. Last week they painted over the graffiti with paint and a vehicle ran through it, and I happened to run through it too. Well, the paint seemed to be almost fluorescent and created a small meandering path that guided the way. It was pretty sweet, especially considering my footprints guided me along the way. I stepped in that paint thinking nothing of it and it turned out to guide me later on.

I ran hard tonight. I was feeling empowered and adventurous and got back to Baltimore Avenue after my jaunt through the dark path and was contemplating running through the woods on the stone path in the pitch black dark. I got to the gate ready to press on, and then I was like, um that's nuts and stupid, stay on the concrete path and learn your limits! I'm sure my mom is glad to know that I'm not completely crazy and foolish in my adventures. While I might have a dulled sense of fear and eagerly approach adventure and uncertainty, I'm still looking for my way in the dark. It's sure comforting to know that to God, my darkness is as bright as the light. I'm pressing on towards the goals, both seen and unseen.