I'm not sure whether it's the Phillies late inning tight rope walking or all the junk food I ate last night with the guys, but I'm definitely working on some serious heartburn right now. Pedro just now hit a homer and so that relieves some of my stress. What a great name. That was beautiful. Today marked the closure of another chapter in my life, as I watched the final episode of the Wire. I suppose it's rather appropriate that I finish up my favorite show, depicting the dichotomy of city life and the brutal realities about human nature. These turths are exposed when we are stretched and stripped of our comfort and security which often serves to mask our rawness and vulnerability. As the music of the Blind Boys softly entered the shot and signaled the fade to the final credits, it left me with a bunch of questions that extended far beyond the fictitious nature of the show and into my experiences in my first tenure in West Philadelphia. Several nights this week I've been unable to sleep, just questioning my decision and the weight of all the relationships that I have in this community and the energy and time that I've put into them and that they've put into me. I've sat for hours on the steps of my church this week late into the morning before meandering my way to the rec center and the shopping plaza where I've sat and contemplated what God is doing in my life. I've pleaded with God to bring me back here some day soon, for His purpose and I fight to be confident that I am walking in His will in making this radical move. I love this neighborhood. It is painful to know that next week this time, I will not be in Philadelphia.

Friday, I blew off work in the afternoon and went and hung out at the Sal. I saw a lot of kids that I knew, but I actually met a lot that I didn't. The past three years have been about relationship for me. The single biggest thing I will take from Philly is that before I can love God and love others, I must learn to receive love from God and from others. I have been loved so well by so many people. I've had a lot of hard, painful and frustrating relationships from neighbors, friends, coworkers and others, but I am a stronger person and have grown in my capacity to love as a result. It should be hard to leave a place. Several people have made me cry in the things that they've said to me after I shared my bittersweet news with them. I am humbled that I have the opportunity to hear from my friends and to share with them how much they mean to me.

Change

Well, I suppose I may have to change the name of my blog. I'm moving to Florida in two weeks, dang son, that still sounds so crazy to me. I feel confident that it's the right move for me ahorita, but the weight on my heart continues to grow. I love Philly. I will be back, this is where I want to raise a family some day and start a fair trade coffee non-profit cafe, book shop, job readiness program and social advocacy center. I just don't understand God's plans sometimes, but I'm trying to walk in them. God dropped an amazing opportunity into my lap and I feel confident that I'm to pursue it. I'll be working for a mission's organization doing research project management and statistical analysis. I'll be traveling a lot as well. In October, I'm already scheduled to go to Nigeria, India and Dallas. I really miss doing math and I've always wanted to travel on someone else's dime. I just told Booboo yesterday that I was leaving. We sat on the front porch and looked at the U.S. map and where I'd be moving too and then the World map to see some of the places I'd be going to. This is all so crazy. I feel so overwhelmed already by the people he's brought me to in Florida, this job and just how quickly things have happened. I worried that I was running from pain or problems here in Philly, but I honestly don't believe that's the case. I've prayed a lot and if that is the case, then God will have his will accomplished no matter what. I don't feel completely qualified for this job, but I feel like I was called and prepared for it and I'm excited to work hard. Yesterday was the MegaBlock Party and it was a great venue to say goodbye to people and just enjoy West Philly. God, I love this place. I want to live here so badly, but I need some space and some healing.

I've Got Soul but I'm Not a Soldier

The chorus, "I got Soul, but I'm not a Soldier" first attracted me to this song. I thought it was about not joining the military. Since I don't believe in war, I thought that line was a great line and I wanted to find out the full meaning of the song. I looked up the lyrics to the rest of the song and realized it's more a prodigal son story than anything. He's trying to say that he is spiritual and even a follower of Christ, but he's not a blind follower and a crusader.

It's not so much about this epic battle as it is about our hearts. He's not interested in just following rules, but he's able to look back at things and see how God has changed his heart and who he is. I can echo that spirit. It's a rock bottom type of song. He turned to God not as a result of his heart, but more out of a last resort. I know that God honors this selfishness, and even causes us pain to bring us to that point of utter necessity for Him. The prodigal son is a prime example of this. His love for us is so intense, that He doesn't care what our motives are for coming to Him. It's humbling when you think about it, because I know that I've gone to God often after trying just about everything else.

I've been through some things, been angry at God, been hurt, questioned God and I don't understand things, but I know that I'm no longer the cold-hearted boy I used to be. Paul said that when he was a child, he thought as a child, he acted like a child, but when he became a man, he put his childish ways behind him. That verse has been my vision statement the past few months and has always meant a lot to me, but I feel like I can own that statement more now than ever. It's a sad song, but a sweet song. Recognizing all the things that he's done, the mistakes that he's made that have had consequences. Things might not have turned out like he wants, and they might not, but at least he recognizes that they have shaped him and he's grown and is broken, but he's a man now and not a boy. Or at least that's how I feel these days.

All These Things I've Done (watch the commercial)

When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
One more son
If you can hold on, hold on
If you can hold on, hold on
I wanna stand up, I wanna let go
You know, you know - no you don't, you don't
I wanna shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand
Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no
Help me out
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out, yeah
And when there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain't changing me
The cold-hearted boy I used to be
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out, yeah
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier (x10)

(Time, truth and hearts)
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out, yeah
You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah
You're gonna bring yourself down
Over and out, last call for sin

While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
(Time, truth and hearts)
If you can hold on
If you can hold on

Run with Horses

Nike is so inspirational, it's a shame that they have horrible corporate policies. I'm still not completely invincible to their gossamer charm. While I disagree with them in principal, they do have an incredible tendency to evoke inspiration in the common and the extraordinary. Their commercial that plays to the Killers, "All these Things I have Done" is really inspiring. I watched it a few times as I was finding out info on the Human Race. Sadly, the race didn't happen today and I didn't get to go to NYC. I settled for a nice tranquil ten mile run in West Philly alone rather than 10's of thousands in NYC. Maybe next year I'll go run it in a different country. I had a frustrating ordeal last night as I went to my office after midnight to see if it was still possible to participate in the race. No love for me, but it was good. I find myself easily frustrated and I know that I need to step back and look at the big picture more often than not.

I was driving home from my office and I was in a bit of a shouting match with God and just venting frustrations. I mean I've had quite a lot of jank seemingly go wrong for me of late. I'm just trying to hold on. I got back to my house and I was listening to my mixed CD of the moment. Reggaeton, alabanza music, chill music and acoustic worship music, awesome combo. Anyhow, I was listening to this spanish worship song and was belting it out in the car, tears running down my face. Someone came next to my car, and I waved for the person to move on. It's 1:30 a.m. and I'm not trying to interact with people on the street. Well, I realized it was my friend B. He's always trying to hustle some knick knacks and I wasn't in the mood to buy a miniature wicker chair or whatever else he was trying to get a few dollars for. He's got some problems and I've been through a lot with him, but tonight, he ministered to my spirit when I so desperately needed it. He recognized that I was going through some things and spoke encouraging life giving words to me. God sent him to my porch that night and I wept because I was so overwhelmed and confused. I have no idea where God is taking me right now. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm living in Florida, Guatemala, Philadelphia or somewhere completely different in six months.

This weekend there were a ton of block parties, which I love. I think that celebrating is a huge part of life and something I really admire about the city. Block parties are pictures of the kingdom of God to me, great food, moon bounces, basketball, chess games, laughter, spades and dominoes and more. They are a lot of fun when you are part of them, but when you are trying to drive around the city and every other block is shut down b/c of one, it can become frustrating. I had to talk to myself and tell myself to chill out and to be happy for the people having fun. While running the Cobbs Creek trail I passed a half dozen block parties, all very different, but all common in spirit.

I actually passed some people riding horses too. Not something you see every day! As I was thinking about racing and the metaphor of running, it reminded me of the verse in Jeremiah that makes me smile. It says, "If you grow weary in this footrace with men, what makes you think that you can run with horses?" It's a verse that puts you in check and says, step back and take a look at yourself. I actually was able to keep up with the horses for a bit, and they got stopped at a traffic light, hehe, but I know I can't run with horses. It's freeing, i ran in peace and tranquility. God's in control and not me. I'll leave the planning up to Him. I have a tendency to just frick things up. Someday I'll learn to just empty myself. As I was running I was thinking about prayer and how God knows my heart, my desires and I don't so much need to tell them to Him, as I need to let them go and trust in His goodness for me rather than panic