Anyhow, I was running and it was raining a touch which made a gentle fog roll across the top of the creek. It was darkening and I reveled in the serene solitude that I rarely get to experience in the city. I treasure these moments so much and they grow entangled with the physical joy running provides me. It reminds me of "A River Runs Through It" and the spiritual backdrop that fly fishing in streams of Missoula provides to that Macleans. Running steals me away to my own version of the streams carving through the Black Hills of Montana.
A quote I like from the book, I don't think it's in the movie:
"Something within fishermen tries to make fishing into a world perfect and apart - I don't know what it is or where, because sometimes it is in my arms and sometimes in my throat and sometimes nowhere in particular except somewhere deep. Many of us probably would be better fishermen if we did not spend so much time watching and waiting for the world to become perfect."
I was running several loops through the woods and each time the woods grew progressively darker. It conjured up imagery from Psalm 139 that when we are covered in darkness we are not to fear because darkness is as light to God. I closed my eyes a few times and tried to run the winding trail with my eyes closed to see if I could find my way in the darkness, but I quickly chickened out. It's a pretty comforting thought though that in the midst of what seems to be such a dark and long tunnel, God sees my darkness with the total clarity of the noon day sun.
When I got home from running, Tyriq was sitting in the living room. I hadn't seen him in months and months. His family's been through a lot, and managed to buy their own home and move out of the projects shortly after his brother was murdered two years ago. He was the first person I knew who was murdered and I still hauntingly remember the helicopters over my backyard and being inspired by the mechanical dynamics of the helicopter while trembling at the thought of what two of them were doing so close to each other. To this day helicopters cause chills to travel through my spine; they are rarely a good thing in my neighborhood.
I tutored Riq in high school physics and helped him pass and got to be real close to his family during their time of mourning. Well, I walk in and I'm drenched from my profuse sweating and the rain. He hugs me anyhow and he shortly starts telling me how he dropped out of school and doesn't plan to go back. I tell him how stupid that is and he says the school did some stupid stuff to him and he couldn't deal with it. This goes on for a few heartbreaking and frustrating minutes until he bursts out laughing telling me how dumb I was to believe he would do that. He's a big kid and started as a freshman at a football powerhouse school. We played snow football once and he body checked me into a chain linked fence and I think I can still feel it two years later.
I tutored Riq in high school physics and helped him pass and got to be real close to his family during their time of mourning. Well, I walk in and I'm drenched from my profuse sweating and the rain. He hugs me anyhow and he shortly starts telling me how he dropped out of school and doesn't plan to go back. I tell him how stupid that is and he says the school did some stupid stuff to him and he couldn't deal with it. This goes on for a few heartbreaking and frustrating minutes until he bursts out laughing telling me how dumb I was to believe he would do that. He's a big kid and started as a freshman at a football powerhouse school. We played snow football once and he body checked me into a chain linked fence and I think I can still feel it two years later.
I stretched, did my crunches and showered in time to walk into the kitchen to find Ma and my 14 year old brother in a really intense argument that started to escalate into physical aggression. Riq and I stepped in to make sure things didn't get worse. He's been struggling with anger lately, and I'm kinda scared, but glad that I can be around and that Tyriq was there last night. I hesitate to share this, but after he ran out of the house crying, Tyriq and I sat there for about an hour talking through things with him. He's only 14 and he's pretty stubborn, but he's very mature and really open for someone his age. He has a hard time with his little brother like I did and Tyriq and I were really able to bring out different things that he's going through right now trying to give Percy some perspective. I'm hurting big time right now for various reasons, but that really puts me in a place to minister to my family here. That was very important for me to see, to sense that I am a part of God's plan and I have no idea why I'm here, where I'm going and what the purpose of this season in my life is, but it is in God's hands.
I know Ma Linda is hurting a lot right now and I shared that with Perce, that hurt people, hurt people. It was a very intense incident with a lot of hurtful things said, but I feel like they were both shocked at what they said and there was almost a tangible wave of fear at what they were capable of saying and that it was like they had to get these things out of their system. Percy calmed down tremendously and Ms. Linda came out and shared a lot with Percy about what they've been going through. One thing I've really learned from my parent's journey is that hurt people hurt people. It's rather quite a simple saying, but learning to see that in people and not respond to the wrath directed at you but to respond with compassion to the pain in that person. It was really neat to see Tyriq minister to Percy as well and to see in Percy a lot of my struggles past and present. Frustrations with his little brother, trying to control others and giving others power over you.
Tyriq, Percy and I played Halo 3 late into the morning. I couldn't shoot a battle rifle to save my life, but I still manhandled the two of them playing cooperatively against me. I hate guns and I refuse violent games, but somehow I give Halo a pass. I guess I justify that it's mostly spartans killing aliens, and I wouldn't tolerate regular looking people shooting other regular people. Maybe I'm just in denial. Halo 3 is a bit more graphic too, even with the optional extra gore turned off. I took my bible to the front porch and was reading through the Psalms in Spanish and English and I was reading Spanish out loud and I suppose Tyriq heard me and walked out on the front porch.
We ended up talking for two hours about life, my relationship problems with Hang, the pressure of dealing with a lot of drama and pain in my house and where God falls into the situation. It was a great way to end my day and I thanked God that through my storms, God is working on my heart. Tyriq really encouraged me and I know it was good for him to talk to me about things. God is in control. Time and time again, I am reminded of my need to step aside, remove my idols and trust God. Period. I consider all things loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ.
Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 O LORD, you have searched meand you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
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