Much Afraid of Buckethead

This week I randomly found a CD case tucked away in a random drawer in my desk with some really solid gospel and acoustic Christian music. It was a nice God reminder and the music has really blessed me. The past few days I've really been feeling Jars of Clay's Much Afraid album. It's kinda somber, but not too dark and has a tone of humility and brokenness that resonates with my restlessness for Christ.

It's kinda funny to think about how I got the CD. It was the second CD I ever owned. The first being Sax Winterlude, gifted to me by my grammy. I received it with slightly more grace than the typical scotch tape, nail clippers and denture cream which traditionally occupied our Christmas stockings. Anyhow, flashback to my freshman year of high school. I thought I was the stuff, particularly when it came to church events. The Unretreat was the pinnacle of high school coolness, especially for young students. Prank calls, football on the beach, strange members of the opposite sex, oh and some stuff about God. Well, I ate this up my freshman year.

Somehow, my sister and I were selected out of the 500+ for a game on stage with like only 3 other contestants. What are the odds. I don't remember what the task of the game was, but it involved a bucket, which I believe was actually a KFC bucket. I won the game and as my prize, they gave me the Jars of Clay Much Afraid CD.

Somehow, I thought it would be a novel idea to wear the bucket on my head for the rest of the weekend. Again, not real sure what the thought process was there. Much to my sister's dismay, I proudly paraded around in that bucket like a mighty ass and a bunch of girls followed me around and gave me some pathetic attention for such a sad stunt. I had no clue there was an actual performer that plays the guitar with a KFC bucket on his head and he's called Buckethead too. He makes millions. Anyhow, that was ten years ago. Hard to imagine.

Well, I've grown quite a bit in that time and I can say that maybe I'm finally ready and able to hear the messages in the album. I always love the part of 1 Cor. 13 that talks about how when we were a child, we acted like children, thought like children and reasoned like them, but when we become men/women, we put our childish ways behind us. I have quite a few childish ways that I've put behind me. Some years ago, some months/weeks/days ago and there are still some that have to go.

Now I love being childlike in some areas, after all we are called to have faith like a child, but it's time for me to put my childish ways behind me and be the man I'm called to be. I don't really understand my journey to this point, particularly of late, but I finally feel like I'm close to being a man and have gone through many growing pains to get to this point, unsure of where I'm headed, but confident of the journey and the journey master. The kernal must be ground into grain to produce much life. What light and momentary pain. So why am I so afraid to go through this, knowing that I must endure this to be of worth to my master potter. I suppose it's fitting that I didn't finish my pottery class, I have some unfinished business and must learn to be clay in the master's hand. We do have these treasures in jars of clay. Sweet Jesus, never let me go.


Fade to Gray

But in my state of blind confusion
No god can pull me out
I see Your love is willing
To turn me inside out
And then I see You there

The lonely tears I cry
I wish they'd release me
It's in despair that I find faith
Summons the night to bow down to day
When ignorance is bliss
Won't You save me from myself

And then I see you there
With your arms open wide and you try to embrace me
These lonely tears I cry
They keep me in chains and I wish they'd release me
Cold is the night but
Colder still is the heart made of stone, turned from clay
And if you follow me
You'll see all the black, all the white fade to grey


Hymn

Oh refuge of my hardened heart
Oh fast pursuing lover come
As angels dance 'round Your throne
My life by captured fare You own

Not silhouette of trodden faith
Nor death shall not my steps be guide
I'll pirouette upon mine grave
For in Your path I'll run and hide

Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee

When beauty breaks the spell of pain
The bludgeoned heart shall burst in vain
But not when love be pointed king
And truth shall Thee forever reign

Sweet Jesus carry me away
From cold of night, and dust of day
In ragged hour or salt worn eye
Be my desire, my well sprung lye

Spring worship unto Thee
Spring worship unto Thee