Grace in the garden

I wasn't looking forward to tonight. It was going to be hot and community meetings are always somewhat nerve wracking because I never know how many people are going to come. Tonight we had our meeting at the Pearl Street Community Garden. Our meeting was on environmental stewardship in an urban setting. I had arranged a bunch of speakers and agencies with resources to be there. We also had a cook out, which was awesome, despite me being an inept griller. Thanks, Pops. I felt guilty that I left my reusable grocery bags at home when I picked up food for the meeting. Hypocrite. Back to the garden.

It's one of my favorite places in Haddington. Those are some of my kids tired from the heat from our environmental education summer camp (They all signed photo waivers). I used to walk past it everyday on the way to work at the Senior Center. The garden is huge and is set off the road and is right next to a public housing project. The garden has started to take over the projects as well and the gardens and art inside the projects is life-giving. The folks around there take such pride in the garden and area. It's such a shame the city can't take care of the dumpsters. They have a ton of hot peppers which I love and some great purple green beans. Who knew? I'm tempted to eat a nectarine from their fruit trees, even though doctors told me when I was five that I was probably allergic to them. I often steal some spices from their herb garden and one of my hobbies is smelling lemon balm and rubbing lambs ear. It's so soft. I love that the Bible starts in a garden and ends in a city and that here and now there can be such beautiful gardens in the middle of a city.

I've had such a long week that I wasn't real excited about tonight and had no idea how many people would show up. I had to run around all day, grab 50 folding chairs, go shopping for food, and call the Streets Department fifty times because they almost backed out on dropping off our recycling bins for the meeting. I almost had an anxiety attack on top of everything else I'm fighting through.

There were actually people there when I walked up an hour before it was scheduled to start. It made me giggle. I love old people, they aren't constrained by time. I can't wait to be at that point where I'm not tied down by a clock and just live. People started to shuffle in and before you knew it, we had a solid fifty people and almost 70 or 80 stopped by. We gave out 500 Compact Flourescent Light Bulbs and 50 recycling bins. People got a lot of information and were really appreciative. There was a lot of exchange between block captains, neighbors and service providers/ agencies.

Sometimes I worry about my job. It's been a real challenge of late and I feel like no one cares if I don't do a whole lot or if I do a ton. That kind of sounds like a poverty management job and that scares the crap out of me. People that get paid to manage people in poverty and make a living off of poor people without empowering and affecting change really creep me out. There needs to be more accountability with non-profits and city/governmental agencies. I can't tell you how many of my phone calls never get returned. It's easy to happen though. Complacency happens before you know it. I moved to the city and was all about justice, wholeness and the Kingdom of God. I have a hard time seeing Jesus in the distressing disguise of the poor sometimes. I am quick to judge and condemn people because I feel like I'm an authority on black people in my neighborhood and the white trashy folks that hang out sometimes. I know I'm not supposed to judge, but it's so easy to do so, especially when I'm tired and hurting.

Quite often kids or adults confound my notions of normal , especially as they relate to the kingdom of God. I love those moments because they put me in the place I need to be. God said to seek peace and pursue it. Seek the peace and prosperity of the city, for if it prospers, you will prosper. I have a hard time accepting prosperity as a prominent part of God. I'm so afraid that I will treat God like Santa or a negotiator that I won't ask to prosper. I just ask God to use me and keep me faithful to Him, I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I know He wants the best for His children, but there are a lot of faithful Christians living in abject poverty all around the world. How are they supposed to respond to all those things preachers on TV say about God, prosperity and blessings? I don't know, my mind is always wondering and sometimes I wish I were just simple minded. Haha, maybe I'm not as complex as I like to consider myself.

This week has actually been pretty encouraging at work, which I would have never thought at the start of the week. Tonight was the culmination of that. I really thanked God for it and felt so hopeful. I love my neighborhood and I want to give so much for it. I feel somewhat restricted in my work because of my health and today was a real strain for me, but it went so well. I've felt a touch like Job lately, except I wasn't very strong before God started taking things from me. Anyhow, that's another day. I know that in my weakness, He is made strong. I have a hard time resting in that, particularly when it comes to work. I had grand visions about making radical changes, but I'll stick with Mother Teresa and seek to do small things with great love. God's so patient with me and surprises me when I'm not expecting things. I just wanted tonight to be done with, and yet God used it to encourage me so much. I know I have so much to learn and the more I learn the less I know. I'm just moving on and learning my lessons as God teaches me. Who knows where tomorrow will take me, but I'm trying to be ready. Thanks Father

Love is Different

Can't get myself to write much, that's pretty rare. Praying for understanding and perspective. Disappointment is rough, especially when you disappoint and are disappointed at the same time. I kinda feel like I thought I was being real faithful and noble and then I realized I was still being pretty selfish and not real trusting. That was rough to find out. I'm fighting to know the truths that God has promised me. Sometimes I listen to Gospel music and it seems like a bunch of crap to me. I guess that's ok cuz it usually drives me to God in prayer and His word. Though sometimes I even feel that way about the scriptures too. I can usually find a Psalm that fits my mood, even when I'm not looking for unbridled optimism. David was pretty raw, I've been feeling him a lot lately. Rondo reminded me of Tozer's quote that, if my flame is small, it is yet real and there may be those whose candle may be lit by it. I kinda feel that way right now.

God strengthens me and gives me power through my His spirit in my inner being so that Christ dwells in my heart through faith. God can do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine. Be not wise in your own eyes and lean not on your own understanding. My heart and flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Some Caedmon's Call to get me to sleep...

Love Is Different

Well it looks like five thousand miles
Broke the camel's back
But it's not as though I had a plan
To win you back
Because I don't know what I want
But at least I know that much
I'm afraid love came right up
And slapped me in the face
But I did not know, no
Cause...

Love is different than you'd think
It's never in a song, or on a TV screen
And love is harder than a word
Said at the right time, and everything's alright
I said love is different than you'd think

And so I won't expect a postcard
From Trefulgar's square
But I'd be lying if I said
I didn't care
Because you can't just turn it off
And put a blindfold on your heart
But I'm off to a good start
We're a continent away
But I do not know, oh no
Cause...

Maybe you're the dream I'm waking from
But I see you everywhere I go
Darling, you are such a mystery to me
You know, don't you know that...



Table for Two

Danny and I spent another late night over pancakes,
Talkin' 'bout soccer
And how every man's just the same
We made speculation
On the who's and the when's of our futures
And how everyone's lonely
But still we just couldn't complain

And how we just hate being alone
Could I have missed my only chance
And now I'm just wasting my time
By looking around
But you know I know better
I'm not gonna worry 'bout nothing
Cause if the birds and the flowers survive
Then I'll make it okay
I'm given a chance and a rock
see which one breaks a window
See which one keeps me up all night and into the day

Because I'm so scared of being alone
That I forget what house I live in
But it's not my job to wait by the phone
For her to call

Well this day's been crazy
But everything's happened on schedule
from the rain and the cold
To the drink that I spilled on my shirt
'Cause You knew how You'd save me
before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day
long before You made me out of dirt

And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep.

Miroslav Volf on Giving

"We love truly only when we achieve that state of self-giving where in some sense we "completely disappear" in the beloved. Yet in our sober moments, we rightly hesitate, knowing well that disappointment is inevitable and that, if we give ourselves so completely, we are likely to end up squandering ourselves."

"No, the one who in love forgets himself, forgets his suffering, in order to think of someone else's, forgets all his misery in order to think of someone else's, forgets what he himself loses in order lovingly to bear in mind someone else's loss, forgets his advantage in order lovingly to think of someone else's- truly such a person is not forgotten. There is one who is thinking about him: God in heaven. Or love is thinking about him. God is Love, and when a person out of love forgets himself, how then would God forget him! No, while the one who loves forgets himself and thinks of the other person, God is thinking of the one who loves." ~Kierkegaard as quoted by Volf

"The self in whom Christ is active is modest. It doesn't give in order to aggrandize itself, prove its moral worth, or demonstrate its power. It can forget itself in the act of giving and reach out to neighbors in love - it gives in order to delight in others and to help them in their needs."

"A rich self lives in the present with contentment. Rather than never having enough of anything except for the burden others place on it, it is "always having enough of everything." It still strives, but it strives out of satisfied fullness, not out of the emptiness of craving. A rich self looks toward the future with trust. It gives rather than holding things back in fear of coming out too short, because it believes God's promise that God will take care of it."

"In the case of the benefit, this is a binding rule for the two who are concerned- the one should straightaway forget that it was given, the other should never forget that it was received. Modest givers forget they have given, hence they resist the recipients' gratitude."

"Givers' forgetfulness and receivers' memory seem at odds with one another. The modesty of givers requires ingratitude from receivers: and the gratitude of receivers feeds the arrogance of givers."

"To forgive is to give wrongdoers the gift of not counting the wrongdoing against them.The condemned wrongdoing has been lifted from the wrongdoers shoulders. The generous release of a genuine debt is the heart of forgiveness."

"All our forgiving is inescapably incomplete. That's why it's so crucial to see our forgiving not simply as our own act, but as participating in God's forgiving. Our forgiving is faulty; God's is faultless. Our forgiving is provisional; God's is final. We forgive tenuously and tentatively; God forgives unhesitatingly and definitively. As we forgive, we always wrong the offender by inadequate judgment and pride; God forgives with justice and genuine love. The only way we dare forgive is by making our forgiving transparent to God's and always open to revision. After
all, our forgiveness is only possible as an echo of God's."

My Best Thinking Times

I enjoy walking to work in the morning. Interestingly, it has nothing to do with saving money or resisting our dependence on oil, foreign or domestic, though those are nice bonuses. It's a great time to prepare for the day. A time to talk on the phone, to pray to sing or take pictures in my mind or on my camera. You notice so much more when you're walking. My friend Justin says that driving in cars is like watching the world happen on television, but when you walk or ride your bike, you're a part of the story.

There's a new garden a block from my house with a mulched walk through with some beautiful purple flowers. I like walking through it, especially since I know that Urban Tree Connection established the garden and I know many of the kids that put work into the garden. Speaking of, today I was talking to someone from Urban Tree Connection about my trip to Mexico and Guatemala. Who would have thought that in the sixties he would be arrested twice in Mexico City while he was running a fake teeth factory? You can't make that up. We were working to plan a new garden next to AchieveAbility's computer center. I'm pretty excited about it. I love gardens and working in them with kids and watching them learn about nature and being good stewards of the environment.

My favorite part of the day is my run. Right after work, it's my time to clear my mind, connect to God, enjoy the beautiful nature in my neighborhood, and push and challenge myself. I'm slowly getting faster and stronger and can run farther. I do some of my best thinking while I'm out on the trail. I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness and giving lately. Partly because of the season I'm in, partly because of this amazing book I've read a few times lately, and partly because of the lessons that God wants me to learn right now.

I'm reading Miroslav Volf's "Free of Charge: Giving and Forgiving in a Culture Stripped of Grace" The book has really opened my eyes and changed my mind about a lot of things. I'm going to write some of my favorite quotes later, but I found a few on the web. I need to get my reading in before bedtime, so it'll have to wait!

Revenge multiples evil. Retributive justice contains evil - and threatens the world with destruction. Forgiveness overcomes evil with good. Forgiveness mirrors the generosity of God whose ultimate goal is neither to satisfy injured pride nor to justly apportion reward and punishment, but to free sinful humanity from evil and thereby reestablish communion with us. This is the gospel in its stark simplicity - as radically countercultural and at the same time as beautifully human as anything one can imagine.

If forgiveness is unconditional, does that dispense with repentance? No: forgiveness is social; it isn’t simply about making the offended party feel better. The offended party forgives, but the gift of forgiveness is only truly received by repentance. Otherwise it gets stuck in the middle. Repentance is not a condition but a consequence of forgiveness. When we have done wrong we find it hard to admit our fault, but the fact of unconditional forgiveness makes repentance possible.

Evil just inexplicably is. God didn’t create it. It’s a twisting of God’s creation, a negation of its original goodness, and therefore an assault on God. In the end, God will finally and definitively overcome evil. And even now God is engaged in countering it. Just as God was mysteriously in the Crucified One, God is in the midst of humanity’s suffering, listening to every sigh, collecting every tear, resonating with the trembling with every fear-stricken heart. Just as God was in the Resurrected One, God is in each helping hand, in each act of self-sacrifice, in each life laid down for another, and God occasionally even heals and protects without any human mediation. God suffers and God helps

Keep me guessing

Jayson Werth should pay me as his good luck charm. In the past two years he has hit 22 homeruns in 171 games. I've attended 7 Phillies games in that time and he's hit 5 homeruns in those games. That works out to attending 4% of his games played and witnessing 23% of his homers. Now on top of that, he wasn't an everyday starter last year, meaning he saw limited at bats if any for four of those games. So, I've seen him hit roughly 25% of his homeruns in two years in about only 2% of his games played. I'd say that gives me a pretty impressive track record. I think I will write the Phils a letter. I'm expecting a fruit/cheese basket in a few weeks.

Last year when I went to the Phillies game in Phoenix I sat behind the Phillies dugout and was talking to Charlie Manuel and insisted that they call up Chris Coste from the minors and within a week, he was on the active roster. I'm not taking total responsibility, again, but I believe there is some credit due.

So yes, I went to the Phillies game this afternoon. It was Rob's birthday on Friday and he put his Economic Stimulus check to work inviting like 40 people to the Phillies game to celebrate. I really respect that and think it's an awesome way to use money and celebrate a birthday. It was cool, I hadn't seen him in a long time and got to talk with him and some other guys.

When I lived with my parents, I was always in the know about the weather and was rarely caught off guard. I certainly don't understand my father's obsession with the weather, but it sure appreciate knowing when to expect a violent down pour and thunderstorm. The rain was coming down sideways like in Braveheart. There's been more lightning in the past week than the combined amount of lightning strikes in my three years in Philly. It's kinda funny, I haven't even lived her three full years yet, but if you ask Ms. Linda, Tyree or most other people, they think I've lived here for five years or more. The total keeps going up much more rapidly than real time.

Anyhow, I love Philly. I enjoy my city and I think it's pretty cool that I have grown to love parts of it that I didn't foresee appreciating. I like walking my city in the rain late at night. It definitely flows with my season right now. My life is quite uncertain to me right now and I find myself drawn to mysterious things. A big song on my heart right now is Caedmon's Call's "Faith My Eyes" The song is a prayer to walk faithfully and find the beauty in mystery. It's almost a plea to God to keep things a mystery so that we are faithful to Him and don't rely on ourselves. That's a pretty bold prayer, and I might not be there, but I'm closer than I was and I'm continuing to move that way. I think that's what God wants of me.


... I don't want to know
Life is better off a mystery

So keep 'em coming these lines on the road
And keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load
And keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise
And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes

My Beautiful Neighborhood

I saw a 6 or 7 point buck on the trail this morning. I paced off it for like 4 seconds, then he blew me away. While I'm running in the woods along the creek, I often think about the Psalm that says my soul thirsts for God as a deer pants for the waters of streams. I also saw a snake half way up the killer hill by Whitby Ave. I stepped in some fresh paint and my footprint will be on the bikepath for quite awhile. Yesterday I saw a blue Heron over by the golf course. Pretty sweet to see such beautiful animals so close to my house and in the heart of the hood. God's pretty neat like that. Running has been such a blessing to me and helped me focus on God and appreciate so much that he's done for me.

Scrantonicity

Scranton visit to see Counting Crows and Maroon 5 today! Holly and I made the drive up the PA Turnpike. We explored downtown Scranton for a bit. Not quite as mystical as I was hoping for, but still a lot of fun nonetheless. We couldn't find Poor Richards, only Pour Boys, so we settled for a greek Bistro instead. Kevin from the office was actually the host of the concert, but he didn't say much and there was no Scrantonicity references.

I've wanted to see Counting Crows for so long. I had different ideas about how the day would go, but I had a great day. The concert venue is a huge tent in the woods. It was really pretty sweet and made me think about vector geometries and statics. They played a lot of newer stuff, but plenty of classics as well. They ended with Long December and it really hit me hard, some tears, but such a beautiful song. Will describe the concert tomorrow.

The lead singer from Maroon 5 is a tool, but man can they rock. After watching Adam Duritz pour his heart into the music, tell stories through his songs, and channel the music through his dance and motion, Adam Levine was merely a performer. I suppose there's no shame in that, but I ashamedly enjoyed their performance a lot and they had a sweet cover of Chris Isaak's Wicked Games that led into She will Be Loved. He was wearing goofy white snug fit pants. Huh moment of the day, he welcomed the crowd and said that he was excited to be in Philly. Not so much.

Anywho, more to come later. I'm going to the Phils game tomorrow after church with Rob for his birthday. Ten days til Central America!


A Long December

A long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven
Now the days go by so fast
And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...i wish you would

To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in hollywood
If you think you might come to california...i think you should
Drove up to hillside manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year

I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And its been a long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

Its been so long since Ive seen the ocean...i guess I should

Much Afraid of Buckethead

This week I randomly found a CD case tucked away in a random drawer in my desk with some really solid gospel and acoustic Christian music. It was a nice God reminder and the music has really blessed me. The past few days I've really been feeling Jars of Clay's Much Afraid album. It's kinda somber, but not too dark and has a tone of humility and brokenness that resonates with my restlessness for Christ.

It's kinda funny to think about how I got the CD. It was the second CD I ever owned. The first being Sax Winterlude, gifted to me by my grammy. I received it with slightly more grace than the typical scotch tape, nail clippers and denture cream which traditionally occupied our Christmas stockings. Anyhow, flashback to my freshman year of high school. I thought I was the stuff, particularly when it came to church events. The Unretreat was the pinnacle of high school coolness, especially for young students. Prank calls, football on the beach, strange members of the opposite sex, oh and some stuff about God. Well, I ate this up my freshman year.

Somehow, my sister and I were selected out of the 500+ for a game on stage with like only 3 other contestants. What are the odds. I don't remember what the task of the game was, but it involved a bucket, which I believe was actually a KFC bucket. I won the game and as my prize, they gave me the Jars of Clay Much Afraid CD.

Somehow, I thought it would be a novel idea to wear the bucket on my head for the rest of the weekend. Again, not real sure what the thought process was there. Much to my sister's dismay, I proudly paraded around in that bucket like a mighty ass and a bunch of girls followed me around and gave me some pathetic attention for such a sad stunt. I had no clue there was an actual performer that plays the guitar with a KFC bucket on his head and he's called Buckethead too. He makes millions. Anyhow, that was ten years ago. Hard to imagine.

Well, I've grown quite a bit in that time and I can say that maybe I'm finally ready and able to hear the messages in the album. I always love the part of 1 Cor. 13 that talks about how when we were a child, we acted like children, thought like children and reasoned like them, but when we become men/women, we put our childish ways behind us. I have quite a few childish ways that I've put behind me. Some years ago, some months/weeks/days ago and there are still some that have to go.

Now I love being childlike in some areas, after all we are called to have faith like a child, but it's time for me to put my childish ways behind me and be the man I'm called to be. I don't really understand my journey to this point, particularly of late, but I finally feel like I'm close to being a man and have gone through many growing pains to get to this point, unsure of where I'm headed, but confident of the journey and the journey master. The kernal must be ground into grain to produce much life. What light and momentary pain. So why am I so afraid to go through this, knowing that I must endure this to be of worth to my master potter. I suppose it's fitting that I didn't finish my pottery class, I have some unfinished business and must learn to be clay in the master's hand. We do have these treasures in jars of clay. Sweet Jesus, never let me go.


Fade to Gray

But in my state of blind confusion
No god can pull me out
I see Your love is willing
To turn me inside out
And then I see You there

The lonely tears I cry
I wish they'd release me
It's in despair that I find faith
Summons the night to bow down to day
When ignorance is bliss
Won't You save me from myself

And then I see you there
With your arms open wide and you try to embrace me
These lonely tears I cry
They keep me in chains and I wish they'd release me
Cold is the night but
Colder still is the heart made of stone, turned from clay
And if you follow me
You'll see all the black, all the white fade to grey


Hymn

Oh refuge of my hardened heart
Oh fast pursuing lover come
As angels dance 'round Your throne
My life by captured fare You own

Not silhouette of trodden faith
Nor death shall not my steps be guide
I'll pirouette upon mine grave
For in Your path I'll run and hide

Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee

When beauty breaks the spell of pain
The bludgeoned heart shall burst in vain
But not when love be pointed king
And truth shall Thee forever reign

Sweet Jesus carry me away
From cold of night, and dust of day
In ragged hour or salt worn eye
Be my desire, my well sprung lye

Spring worship unto Thee
Spring worship unto Thee

Finding my way in the dark

The clock just passed 1:39 p.m. and I stopped what I was doing to read through the Psalm. I love reading it. It clears my mind and paralyzes me in my flesh tendencies. It is basically a request to God to painfully point out our flaws and correct our course of action. Yesterday after work I went for a run by the golf course 7 blocks from my house and 3 blocks from my office. It was drizzling and looked like an impending downpour, but I needed to get my run in. I wish the trail were longer because it's such a beautiful trail. It truly reminds me of Carroll County reservoir trails except for the litter, drug paraphernalia, random scattered clothes and the occasional sound of the train passing every so often. I say this in all seriousness because it is so green and secluded and just beautiful apart from these painful imperfections. I've organized a few clean up projects to clean up these woods, but they don't last too long.

Anyhow, I was running and it was raining a touch which made a gentle fog roll across the top of the creek. It was darkening and I reveled in the serene solitude that I rarely get to experience in the city. I treasure these moments so much and they grow entangled with the physical joy running provides me. It reminds me of "A River Runs Through It" and the spiritual backdrop that fly fishing in streams of Missoula provides to that Macleans. Running steals me away to my own version of the streams carving through the Black Hills of Montana.

A quote I like from the book, I don't think it's in the movie:

"Something within fishermen tries to make fishing into a world perfect and apart - I don't know what it is or where, because sometimes it is in my arms and sometimes in my throat and sometimes nowhere in particular except somewhere deep. Many of us probably would be better fishermen if we did not spend so much time watching and waiting for the world to become perfect."

I was running several loops through the woods and each time the woods grew progressively darker. It conjured up imagery from Psalm 139 that when we are covered in darkness we are not to fear because darkness is as light to God. I closed my eyes a few times and tried to run the winding trail with my eyes closed to see if I could find my way in the darkness, but I quickly chickened out. It's a pretty comforting thought though that in the midst of what seems to be such a dark and long tunnel, God sees my darkness with the total clarity of the noon day sun.

When I got home from running, Tyriq was sitting in the living room. I hadn't seen him in months and months. His family's been through a lot, and managed to buy their own home and move out of the projects shortly after his brother was murdered two years ago. He was the first person I knew who was murdered and I still hauntingly remember the helicopters over my backyard and being inspired by the mechanical dynamics of the helicopter while trembling at the thought of what two of them were doing so close to each other. To this day helicopters cause chills to travel through my spine; they are rarely a good thing in my neighborhood.

I tutored Riq in high school physics and helped him pass and got to be real close to his family during their time of mourning. Well, I walk in and I'm drenched from my profuse sweating and the rain. He hugs me anyhow and he shortly starts telling me how he dropped out of school and doesn't plan to go back. I tell him how stupid that is and he says the school did some stupid stuff to him and he couldn't deal with it. This goes on for a few heartbreaking and frustrating minutes until he bursts out laughing telling me how dumb I was to believe he would do that. He's a big kid and started as a freshman at a football powerhouse school. We played snow football once and he body checked me into a chain linked fence and I think I can still feel it two years later.

I stretched, did my crunches and showered in time to walk into the kitchen to find Ma and my 14 year old brother in a really intense argument that started to escalate into physical aggression. Riq and I stepped in to make sure things didn't get worse. He's been struggling with anger lately, and I'm kinda scared, but glad that I can be around and that Tyriq was there last night. I hesitate to share this, but after he ran out of the house crying, Tyriq and I sat there for about an hour talking through things with him. He's only 14 and he's pretty stubborn, but he's very mature and really open for someone his age. He has a hard time with his little brother like I did and Tyriq and I were really able to bring out different things that he's going through right now trying to give Percy some perspective. I'm hurting big time right now for various reasons, but that really puts me in a place to minister to my family here. That was very important for me to see, to sense that I am a part of God's plan and I have no idea why I'm here, where I'm going and what the purpose of this season in my life is, but it is in God's hands.

I know Ma Linda is hurting a lot right now and I shared that with Perce, that hurt people, hurt people. It was a very intense incident with a lot of hurtful things said, but I feel like they were both shocked at what they said and there was almost a tangible wave of fear at what they were capable of saying and that it was like they had to get these things out of their system. Percy calmed down tremendously and Ms. Linda came out and shared a lot with Percy about what they've been going through. One thing I've really learned from my parent's journey is that hurt people hurt people. It's rather quite a simple saying, but learning to see that in people and not respond to the wrath directed at you but to respond with compassion to the pain in that person. It was really neat to see Tyriq minister to Percy as well and to see in Percy a lot of my struggles past and present. Frustrations with his little brother, trying to control others and giving others power over you.

Tyriq, Percy and I played Halo 3 late into the morning. I couldn't shoot a battle rifle to save my life, but I still manhandled the two of them playing cooperatively against me. I hate guns and I refuse violent games, but somehow I give Halo a pass. I guess I justify that it's mostly spartans killing aliens, and I wouldn't tolerate regular looking people shooting other regular people. Maybe I'm just in denial. Halo 3 is a bit more graphic too, even with the optional extra gore turned off. I took my bible to the front porch and was reading through the Psalms in Spanish and English and I was reading Spanish out loud and I suppose Tyriq heard me and walked out on the front porch.

We ended up talking for two hours about life, my relationship problems with Hang, the pressure of dealing with a lot of drama and pain in my house and where God falls into the situation. It was a great way to end my day and I thanked God that through my storms, God is working on my heart. Tyriq really encouraged me and I know it was good for him to talk to me about things. God is in control. Time and time again, I am reminded of my need to step aside, remove my idols and trust God. Period. I consider all things loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ.

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, ^[a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to ^[b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Lunchtime Daydreamin'

Lunch break, and I'm dreaming of Guatemala. Two weeks from today, I will be touching down in Mexico and staying there for five days with my brother before we leave to Guatemala for a week. I'm planning to camp out, go running along the banks and take a boat across the lake. It's the most beautiful place in the world I've ever been. Sucker that I am, I'd want to go to Guatemala for a honeymoon. A few days on the lakes, up to Tikal, spend some time at the beaches and do some service projects in some schools, clinics and indigenous villages. I suppose I've watched "Love, Actually" one too many times. Love's a real ass kicker sometimes, but that's the way it's supposed to be.

It's been cool b/c planning for this trip has reconnected me to friends that I'd turned my back on, fallen out of touch or needed to seek forgiveness from. I've already been tremendously blessed and I haven't left yet. My friends in Guatemala are so excited, and it's been fun to work on my spanish again. I end my days reading through the Psalms in my Nueva Biblia Juvenil Bilingue (New Bilingual Youth Bible) complete with neon inserts and stories about kids that made a difference. It was a sweet Ollie's pick-up for a couple bucks that has served me well. There are about ten Psalms that pretty much sum up where I am right now and I enjoy reading through them in both Spanish and English. Last night I was sitting on my porch at 1:30 a.m. in the midst of a lightning storm and torrential downpour. It was so beautiful and peaceful. Sleep was almost traitorous because that time alone with my thoughts and God was so sweet.

As I sat there and read through the Psalms for a bit in between prayer and singing songs about God's power in nature, both languages speak to me differently. Psalm 139 has to be my favorite right now, which I suppose is fairly common, but the number 139 seems to be my comfort number of late. I love the idea of asking God to search us, search our hearts, know our thoughts and our fears. The acknowledgement that even if it were our desire, we couldn't escape from God's presence. He knows where we are going and where we are coming from. That he not only knows our hopes and fears, but that he knew us before we were even born.

It's kind of like a big pep talk, "Just relax, Pete! I've got things on lock for you, son. I got this. Don't you realize how big I am and how small you are. I know you think you've got things figured out, but you got to trust me kid. My ways are too much for you to comprehend. I got you taken care of. I love you too much to let you get in the way of my plans. Be patient and trust in me." I picture God talking to me like that sometimes. When He does that He's gesturing with his hands too. It looks pretty cool in my head. I know God has my future and my past in his hands. Shoot, He could write my blog before I was even born. It'd be much better, shorter and funnier too. My job is to be faithful in the present, and I'm trying.

Everyone seems to be picking on me!

I walk around and teach peace and insist on kids showing respect and not being violent and yet I still have a fairly short fuse and am eagerly angered. Race is still a touchy subject for me and I'm easily on edge about being white, even though I'm finally pretty comfortable with it and don't live out of white guilt. I hate reading all these articles about how white people are going to vote for Obama because of white guilt. Are people really that sad? I'm voting for him b/c I believe in most of his policies and John McCain's "summer of love" in Vietnam was far from anything resembling love. Anyhow, that's a whole different story for another day.

Love is sacrifice and love is obedience. Focus on love, not on anger, fear, jealousy, bitterness or lust. These are the things that God has been drilling into me from a variety of angles. I love the picture of Christ absorbing pain and taking joy in it. It's rather crazy when you think about it. I take in a lot of stuff in my neighborhood and for the most part I feel that I'm a presence of peace and live my life seeking to be a presence of peace and not trying to have a movie made about my life or write my own book.

I'm glad that I can somewhat laugh at things sometimes. I've had an awful run of luck/providence or whatever you call it, lately. It all started with a rough phone call from California that was putting a serious hurting on me that didn't need any assistance from the 18th Police who thought I looked suspicious or didn't realize that I was in a "dangerous neighborhood." They start asking me questions and I'm sweating b/c it's blazing out, and I give them my speil about working for a non-profit helping single parents and how I've lived in this neighborhood for three years. Well, this meant absolutely nothing to them. They ran my license and made me empty my pockets.

Looking back I wish my head hadn't been so spinning b/c I would have given them a piece of my mind and made them feel bad for stopping me, or that would have been my goal. I mean, i wanted them to feel guilty. In my mind, I built up this self-righteous indignant biting reaction to them, "I have a f-ing aerospace engineering degree, I voluntarily moved here b/c I love God and His love is expressed through peace and justice, I spend my free time mentoring kids, my house is always open to anyone, I work to help formerly homeless single parents get housing and earn a bachelors degree, I've dealt with a lot of shit from kids, strangers, how dare you stop me, what because I'm white? I work with the community relations officers from your district, next time this happens I'm going to go off on someone. I want your badge number." That filth is inside me. I suppose it's good for me to get it out on paper and realize that I have to be active in my fight against that nature in me. I don't know what makes me want to make someone feel like that. It's like I want someone to give me a medal or something.

Yesterday I took Buddha, my six year old brother to the projects to play basketball with his friends. There were about ten little munchkins running around the Fischer Price hoop. On top of everything, they were randomly playing with a Duke miniball. My goal whenever I play with little kids is to make them pass the ball and play teamball. I'm talking Hoosiers style with no shots counting until at least 3 passes are made. Kinda ironic for those of you who know me to be a reformed/reforming ball hog. Some kid ran his mouth about how I like playing with little kids and so I moved over to the real hoop. Kaya, who is in fifth grade goes to my chess club and has a deeper voice than I do was shooting and she is so mature and said something profound about the immaturity of boys that encouraged me.

I was playing three on three, me and two girls against three hotshot gunners. We were tearing them up and I wasn't even really shooting. I love helping girls beat the kind of little boy I used to be. Jamal kept saying things to Rafike, who's very light skinned about him being white and horrible at basketball and other derogatory things about our people. I look over at him, and he's like, oh i wasn't talking about you, Pete. Well he quickly progressed and started talking about me, and I'm like, Mal, you're next. Just me and you. He keeps running his mouth and he's about my height and I haven't played much ball recently, so I'm a touch anxious. It's our turn to play and he wants to put money on the game. I say no, but I said that the loser buys water ice for the other.

He agreed and we started playing and I start knocking down jimmies and just crush him 22-8. Well, I tell him, Jamal, I want mango water ice. He starts saying that he doesn't have any money right now, so I'm like, Oh ok, that's cool, I'll just hold onto the ball until you get my water ice. He protests saying that it's Hakeem's and not his, and I tell him Hakeem owes me too. He interjects saying that I'm treating him that way because he's black, and I got in the same self-righteous mode the police evoked a few days earlier. I wanted to be like, Um... how about your brother broke in my house, stole my friends cell phone, took inappropriate pictures of himself, and the list goes on. Hakeem was there when he broke in too. I seriously thought about taking the ball, but didn't. All throughout the basketball game play middleschool Mein was taunting me about my recent relationship woes. Kids can really hurt you. I mean I don't care about what people say about me, but let's be decent and show some respect.

Today I was out running after work along the trails in Cobbs Creek Park. The path is gorgeous and it calmed me down after Ma Linda and I had a bit of an argument. Sometimes she goes off on me b/c other people really treat her poorly. I was cooling down, and settling into my running groove. I've been meditating a lot while I'm running, mainly Psalm 139, I love the part that says God hems us in from the front and behind, and that his hands are upon us always.

It reminds me of running Bull Run at Hereford with 300 people running Braveheart style until the pack streams into a tightly knit multicellular organism where maneuvering is virtually impossible. The runners around you dictate your pace and your path and there is a comfort and a simple peace in that. Running in the woods always reminds me that love is freedom and that love goes beyond the law, that the law is good, but love is the best. I think it's the combination of Robert Frosts road less traveled imagery and David's longings in the Psalms that are tied to nature and streams of water and life.

I was really loosening up when I came up to a pack of highschoolers walking back from the public pool which is accessible from the path. I announced my arrival with what I thought was a friendly, "Coming through." Well they didn't really get out of my way and I did slightly brush someone's shoulder, but I didn't have much choice and I flashed my customary friendly chill peace sign. I kept moving, picking it up like I always do when I run past people, and the next thing I notice, there are rocks being thrown at my feet. I'm like, seriously? are you serious? I wish you would do that? You're picking on the wrong person. I don't tolerate ignorance, except my own, I wasn't going to do anything to them other than talk things out.

Now I unfortunately turned around and yelled something that involved both them being assholes and needing to show respect. I felt pretty bad about it and on my way back, I was kinda hoping to run into them and have a conversation about respect and dignity. It was exciting, I had no legs so it would have either gone well or I would have gotten my ass kicked. I'm really not afraid of bodily harm done to me. I know that when I'm on edge, I can be snippy and then I usually feel pretty awful immediately afterwards.

This mainly ended up being a gripe session. It's kinda crazy when you sit back and realize how much stuff builds up inside you that we often internalize without really knowing. I think that's how neighborhoods like mine get so rough and desensitized. Tomorrow I will write about the lessons I've learned on forgiveness.I guess anyone who reads this will have to forgive me too, haha...hmm. I have a big mouth and quick moving fingers, sorry yall

Ciao

Back on a blog

Well, it's been a minute since I've blogged. Like it's mystically different than just writing a journal in Word. I've been in a transparent honesty before politeness mood of late. Confrontation can be good. My life is quite a story and whether others want to know about it, I want to look back at things and have my memory stones to remember where I was when God moved and did things in my life. I tend to think of my life as mundane and normal, but then I remember, o yeah, not many white 20 somethings live with an african american grandmother and her grandkids in the hood and hangs out most of the time in the projects playing chess, basketball and RockBand.

I've learned quite a lot and I don't want to forget things. George MacDonald said that, "We awake and lo we have forgotten." Anyhow, my life has not gone the predicted path and I suppose that if it had, what faith would that require. I'm kinda glad that despite all the bumps, sometimes you have to walk the rocks to see the mountain views. As I sit with my feet up on the railing of my porch in the gentle rain, fending off mosquitoes, and closing the day out talking to neighbors, listening to the sounds of my neighborhood, as I sing to myself and reflect on my day, I'm learning about grace daily.