Patience Can Cook a Stone

God's really trying to teach me patience these days. I must be really resistant or something. My parents came to check out houses with me. I started to put a bid in on the one that I really like and Sister Anne Marie called and let me know that I won't be able to get the one that I wanted. Back to the drawing board...

It was pretty cool that my parents came and were so excited. I still might buy one of the houses. I suppose I need to wait and make sure that it's really what God wants for me. I'm so confused by where God's leading me, but man I'm trying to be patient and faithful. I kinda felt like the monk who was chased by tigers and jumped off a cliff and grabbed a branch only to face tigers at the bottom of the pit as well. Suddenly, he saw a strawberry growing from the branch, and ate it and it was the most delicious strawberry ever. I suppose my strawberry was the pizza and beer that I shared with my parents at Dock Street this afternoon. My mom had beer for the first time in her life. I'm so proud. It's important to be able to appreciate small things and big picture things in the midst of trials. I'm getting there.

So I'm waiting. It's cool, I know some friends who are waiting on things too. Situations that seem overwhelming, but God says to stand firm and to wait. My cell phone wallpaper is a picture of a sign in a display case of an abandoned building up the block from my office. Someone randomly writes Bible verses on pieces of paper and changes them once a week or so. Two weeks ago, they put up a verse from Isaiah that has been my meditation day and night, I open my phone and think of the verse so often, "Do not anxiously look about you for I am your God, I will strengthen you." (Isaiah 41:10) I am so hesitant to put all my trust, I mean all my trust in God, I will slowly put a little bit more and a little bit more, but I hold some back.

I was thinking about patience a lot tonight. I'm not even patient with myself. I get so down on myself when I swear, when I get bitter, fearful, or doubt God. I'm so quick to dismiss the voice that says, "Let it go Son, let it go." That's what I'm trying to learn right now, to let things go. I guess I'm slowly getting there. I like discipline. It's one of the things I enjoy about running. Pain can be so beautiful. I had a doctor's appointment today and they ran a bunch more tests on me. For some reason the needle in my arm hurt worse than normal, but it didn't bother me. I am hopeful because I want to feel better and the pain is a necessary step to diagnosing the cause of my problems. I'm so tired of my health that I want to go through as many tests as possible because my hope and desire to feel better dominates whatever is required to get there. I was excited that my doctor referred me to three other doctors. I suppose that I need to feel the same way about my life in general. I've had some pretty painful tests, but I want to get where I'm supposed to be going.

Suffering apart from Christ is wasteful pain though. In our suffering, we are about to connect to Christ. He chose to suffer voluntarily and suffered innocently. He defeated sin and death, the ultimate suffering upon the cross and thereby defeated suffering period. Death lost its sting and the grave had no victory. Paul said, I am crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ now lives in me. Pope John Paul II gave a speech that I really like regarding this verse, he says,

"Faith enables the author of these words to know that love which led Christ to the cross. And if He loved us in this way, suffering and dying, then with this suffering and death, He lives in the one whom He loved in this way; He lives in the man: in Paul. And living in him to the degree that Paul, conscious of this through faith, responds to His love with love--Christ also becomes in a particular way united to the man, to Paul, through the cross. This union caused Paul to write, in the same letter to the Galatians, other words as well, no less strong: "But far be it from me to glory except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world." [Salvifici Doloris, Pope John Paul II]

Now that's deep. I had a nice run and thought about suffering. It was interesting, I was running in the dark, and it almost seemed like hills weren't as bad and I could run harder than when I run during the daylight. I'm not sure if there's any truth to that. I felt completely comfortable and at ease. I don't really understand where I'm going with my life, but I know that God's doing something and I have absolutely no fear at all for my safety in my neighborhood. I'm not sure if that's faith or foolishness. I suppose it may be some combination of the two. I was running at night, which I love to do.

I got to Baltimore Avenue and the trail goes into the woods at that point and I debated continuing, and I went for it. There was a bit of light on the path and as I was coming to the bridge, the train passed and lit up the woods. A strange thing happened too. Last week they painted over the graffiti with paint and a vehicle ran through it, and I happened to run through it too. Well, the paint seemed to be almost fluorescent and created a small meandering path that guided the way. It was pretty sweet, especially considering my footprints guided me along the way. I stepped in that paint thinking nothing of it and it turned out to guide me later on.

I ran hard tonight. I was feeling empowered and adventurous and got back to Baltimore Avenue after my jaunt through the dark path and was contemplating running through the woods on the stone path in the pitch black dark. I got to the gate ready to press on, and then I was like, um that's nuts and stupid, stay on the concrete path and learn your limits! I'm sure my mom is glad to know that I'm not completely crazy and foolish in my adventures. While I might have a dulled sense of fear and eagerly approach adventure and uncertainty, I'm still looking for my way in the dark. It's sure comforting to know that to God, my darkness is as bright as the light. I'm pressing on towards the goals, both seen and unseen.